I just re-read this article for a 3rd time, and I'm now sure there is not one joke, snarky comment, or Simpsons reference contained within. In an article about Sylvester Stallone, serious dramatic actor. On an A.V. Club Newswire. In the middle of the day where everyone can see it! What happened?

This is the A.V. Club. There are no winners here.

And definitely don't waste your money on the 3D manatee showing. I couldn't even tell the difference!

No, you're watching a commercial for Lactaid.

John & his mom should really just do a weekly advice column. Not that I didnt enjoy her take on Star Wars, but the Dear Abby critique was the real gem.

That's how I learned to say "I call the big one bitey" in Korean.

The gyllenhaal was a mythical Nordic beast that was half bear, half moose.

She's actually a huge Avenged Sevenfold fan. She posts under the name Smoochie Wallace.

I think the Queen nixed it over the last name, actually. She's not naming the boat after some goddamned mick.

I bet God has a kick-ass rumpus room.

I'm still 85% sure that's Keri Russell.

That melon baller really does the job, doesn't it?

How can you tell it's smug? It's blurred out in the version I'm looking at.

It mostly just makes me want to yell "Johansson! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME!" and then kick her off my softball team.

“Abdi and the Golden Ticket” was a great episode of This American Life. Even if you hate TAL, it would be impossible not to enjoy that podcast. I don't know if I have a Peabody vote (checks. doesn't.) but I'd throw one that way if I could.

I'm on your side. The PTA at my kid's school can barely put together a decent Christmas play, so I can't imagine the crappy movies they would make.

Yeah, they mailed out press kits but nobody opened them.

I'm just saying they can be part of a balanced breakfast/orgy/unholy ritual!

I'd watch a show about the Unabomber. Except my cabin doesn't get cable.

Despite what you may have been led to believe by other movies/shows, lesbian vampires are rarely lethal.