Even though that book made me cry, I can't hate it. I do hate mountain lions because of it, though.

Does your job NOT involve a circle of people bouncing balls in the air with a colorful parachute? I got my current position bc I was really good at running under the parachute to the other side before it collapsed.

It's a joke, Gaetti. Lighten up!

Are we sure it wasn't 422,000 in Lira? Because that's, like, 8 dollars I think.

I think it's time for a utopian reboot. Like maybe a half-hour comedy where Moby Dick is Ahab's wacky neighbor? Or maybe a Lord Of The Flies that's more like Gilligan's Island?

Uh, I think she prefers to be called Carla. Did you even read the article, or are just too busy to have time to read?

Lit? They had, like, one good song. I majored in Buckcherry.

The Pamela and Tommy Lee comes with a side of hepC, but the Paula Deen comes with a side of diabetes.

I'm always nervous that my sextapes are gonna be leaked to the public, so I always shout "I celebrate diversity!" when I finish.

Now I'm thinking he should do a Major League reboot.

He's friends with a local TV news director. Well, "friends" is probably the wrong word. More like "coercive sex partner".

Availability: Select theaters and VOD July 24; Netflix July 30

Right. Like passers by.

Apu lived one of my fantasies in that Simpsons episode where he's briefly a swingin' single and buys a Trans Am and rocks out to Hot Blooded.

I love that whole exchange. Anytime anybody asks me what I do, I try to end with TCB…y'know takin care of business. But no one ever follows up by asking whats in my briefcase. Which is too bad bc that crackers line delivery by Kramer is just perfect.

SQG, what's in the briefcase?

Quaaludes manufacturers?

I still remember seeing their first ad and thinking "why does this guy look like he just got up? Is he wearing the same clothes he wore yesterday? Is he on something right now? His shirt is tucked in, but no belt - did he forget it? How is this person qualified to endorse a hotel website I've never heard of?"

Like most (sports and non-sports) talkers on the radio, he's more interested in being right than being entertaining. So he covers up his fairly-obvious takes with a layer of dickishness that forces people to want to disagree with him. It's the poor man's way to seem smart.

That same lax attitude allowed carrot weevils to practically take over southeast Asia.