Wouldn't it be great if you could just get four or five Canadian pop stars at a time from the parking lot in front of Home Depot? "I need someone who knows how to build a fence, someone who can sing 'My Heart Will Go On,' and Bryan Adams."

It was the "one weird trick that can save you money on your car insurance" lie.

Wherever exposition is happening.

Trust me, he never read The Thin Red Line. Or any other book, for that matter.

Well, him and all the other Cubans. Most of whom vote Republican.

Ok, fine, you don't have to take him back, but what about Ted Cruz?

That reminds me of a story the statute of limitations prevents me from telling.

Yeah, since I'm 37, I'm going to still hate on him for another couple years. I haven't heard his music, though, so that puts me at a a disadvantage.

Did we deport the kid who peed into the Portland water supply?

I always say it's Ok for them to freak or twerk, but to freak AND twerk just goes to far.

A grown adult shouldn't have an opinion on Justin Bieber. If you're forty years old and wasting your time hating on the music kids listen to, you're going to look just as stupid as Steve Allen making fun of the lyrics to "Be-bop-a-lu-la She's my Baby."

Well, if there's grass on the field…

My dad's uncle killed a Japanese soldier who was taking a shit at the time, or so he claimed. It was his only war story. He'd talk about it all the time. After he died, I found out that he'd also won the Bronze Star, got a Purple Heart, and had run into the line of fire to save a wounded fellow soldier. But all he…

I think "Johnny Stompanato" would be a good name for an AV Club user.

I think you wrote "for" when you meant "from."

"…and if they do can I shoot them with a crossbow?"

Fuck Eddie Izzard! I get the cake AND death!

Maybe he thinks oversharing is a sometimes treat.

As far as you know, Oversharing Monster is all about the ladies. Maybe he doesn't overshare as much as you think.

I often feel like I'm the only one who has seen Tapeheads.