For hot chicks, I go to your mom. I mean it. She's really, really pretty and sometimes she serves lemonade and sugar cookies.

David Lynch is directing your mom in "Family Suck-ass."

"Dracula: Dead and Loving It" suffers from actors trying too hard to be "funny" with wan material. If they'd tried to play it straight they might have derived a few laughs from it.

You know, Eddie, I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't prefaced your comment with an insult, but you've forced me to point out how sadly skewed and wilted your own "sense of humor" must be if "Spaceballs" is your gold standard for comedy when the Mel Brooks movies preceding it become proportionally funnier and…

Now that's useful information! I'm off to Google this or read about it on MSN, provided some other unexpected event or occurence that's receiving saturation media coverage doesn't impede my efforts. Although I can't for the life of me imagine what could possibly do that since it was so obviously an uneventful day. …

I don't know…
… what they should call those nasty-ass balls of rancid lard and sugar but that one girl with a mouthful of them looked like she had some inserted under her skin. Jesus Christ, has she been playing with the Africanized bees or something?

Decision? Hell, Carsenio knocked ZMF the fuck out. ZMF is being roused in the locker room by his trainer and his ass-kiss posse of A/V club posters and he still doesn't know the fight's been over since :47 into the first round. Hold up some fingers for the boy and he can't tell you how many are up there. This is…

Did anything…
… newsworthy happen recently? I'm trying to think of topics for conversation and I'm coming up with nothing.

The Haterbaby looks for the most part like any ordinary baby but has these little circuits and metallic strips near its right eye and some thin colored wires running down its arms just so you know it's not 100% human.

Oh all right… I will admit it. It's… fun. There.

Hatertron and Ladytron got married and gave birth to Haterlady and TronTron. The first is a normal woman who goes around hating everything and the second is a robot that's so robotic, it disappears up its own asshole.

Or, alternately, this thread. As "threat" made no sense at all.

Thank god this threat is quarantined off from all the others.

Guinnessatron is actually an American college town robot who hangs out in a bar that masquerades as a British pub, so it's a double Transformer thing with the presto-change-o hey I'm a robot and not a bar and so forth and so on.

Oh and…
George Bush and others didn't have to quadruple the deficit? He only doubled or tripled it, right? So that makes it okay, Jonathan. Mosha Kai owned his ass on that one and Jonathan responded with screaming lies. Amazing. He's already a graduate of the Bill O'Reilly "If You Scream It, It Must Be True"…

Shut that damn kid up!
Jonathan is a verbose li'l fella. They need to only pay for one kid, their kid? Hey, little dude, what if they have more than one kid? What if they have two. Or, as unbelievable as it might seem, three? Ever think of that, huh, huh?

While I would occasionally masturbate during scenes featuring the Freaks, I frequently found myself unable to achieve an erection during those with the Geeks. Does this mean the show's overrated?

So the premise is…
… we tend to define eras by the great stuff while tending to forget about the stuff that was merely popular? And he had to write an entire book to explain that?

I forgot…

38. Ride motorcycles and leave for dates with much younger people but not before making a smutty comment implying hot sex will occur at some point after dinner