So, wrapping up my tour here, remember to tip your waitress! Speaking of farewells, what did the buffalo say when his son's AV Club account didn't get transferred over with the Kinja transition?
Bison.

Everybody give Tron Guy a hand! I've been on the road for ages and had a lot of guys open for me, and this guy is top notch funny. Trust me, I know the funny like Bill Clinton knows Hillary's out of town travel schedule. Hey-o! You know what I'm saying? This guy gets it.

Nicely done! Everyone give it up for my hilarious lil' buddy Merk. He's going places, let me tell you.

Hey-O! Let's give Jay1978 a hand, that was a good one! You know, when Jay1978 isn't opening for titans of comedy such as myself, he's actually been trying to learn how to ski. Yeah, true story! Kinda got off to a rough start when he broke both his left arm and left leg recently. Went to the doctor and the doc said,…

HAHA! Give it up for Simon. Now let me tell you coming up here and opening for us pros, bringing the funny like he tried to do takes guts. It also takes the heart of a lion!

Hey-o! Let's give re_trace a hand. I gotta tell you, this guy's job is to bring the funny, and he's a total pro every time he's opened.

NICE! Let's give it up for Daesim everyone, let me tell you, Daesim has the secret to being funny nailed down.

Haha! Give it up for Simonwilder! That guy brings the funny every time. Speaking of time, what time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish.

HAHAHA let's all give Jiggle a hand, that was some funny stuff. And trust me, I know funny. Speaking of, What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of carnies?
Go for the juggler.

Haha! Give it up for Penelope Rockatansky! Now that was a funny bit! Speaking of funny, you guys know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends? Cause he's married.

Heyo! Let's give another hand to Minimum Maus, this kid's got a bright future in the "Biz"!
Speaking of bright, how many South Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A Brazilian.

HAHA! Give it up for Yoos, That was some good stuff. Did you know, and this is a true story, Yoos actually comes from a long line of pirates? Yeah in fact Yoos' grandfather, an old school pirate, just celebrated his 80th birthday. Yoos was telling me after he blew out the candles all he had to say for himself was "Aye…

Hey-O! Let's give Will_B a hand. That's some good stuff. Gold! Speaking of gold. Did you hear Will_B took up sailing recently? Yeah, true story, I saw him at the marina loading iron and gold onto a dinghy. When I asked him why he says "I was told I needed oars!"

HAHAHA Give it up for Lauralee, that never gets old let me tell you, and I have a PhD in funny!

HEY-O!! Let't give it up for Gotham Sucks, with stylings like that, this guy is going places! Speaking of going places, did you hear about the cookie going to the hospital? Yeah, he was feeling pretty crummy.

HAHA! Let's give one more round of applause to dc191! That was some good stuff! Now you may not know this, but ol' dc used to wait tables as he was coming up. He might even still pick up the occasional shift at HoJo's, this is a tough business, but he's going places! Anyway, one day, and this is a true story, a guy…

That would be me, and you're welcome! See you at my next gig!

HA HA! Let's give another hand to Captain George, that was some good stuff. You know, and this is a true story, Captain George earned his rank as part of the local fire department. In fact he was telling me backstage that's just last night he had to go put out a fire at the circus!
Yeah, he said the fire was in tents.

HEY-O! Let's give it up for Allen, this guy is going to be huge, believe me I know the funny. You know Allen here wasn't always tearing it up Allen-style on stage. He actually started out as a waiter. Yep, true story. Didn't last long though, one day a guy says "waiter, my coffee tastes like mud!" Allen the boy wonder…

HA! Give another round of applause for MisterHyde. You know I was excited he was opening for me, he actually served me at a coffee shop once upon a time. Yeah, true story. I asked him for their most diverse drink, and he said "You'll want an L.G.B.Tea!"