These are carefully hand-crafted toys filled only with the highest-quality spider egg sacs. They're worth the wait.

It's been a loooooong time since I've been Christian, but the whole idea of the prosperity gospel pisses me way off on Jesus' behalf. Yeah, pray and suck up to Jesus and he'll pay you. Because that's what Jesus was all about.

Every year Doctor Who has a Christmas Special, and I KNOW Doctor Who isn't going into his TARDIS and folding his hands to pray to Jesus in front of a turkey dinner. I always get a smile that the kind of assholes who are so worried about "happy holidays" don't seem to notice that non-theists and non-christians are…

"High on their own farts" is an oversimplification. These farts originated in bacteria living in these people's intestines. And even then, the molecules making up these farts were born in stars. Also, "high" is a subjective state of consciousness, and it's problematic to assume the state of someone else's…

"On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact mid-point, everybody stops and turns and hugs. As if to say, 'Well done. Well done, everyone! We're halfway out of the dark.' Back on Earth we call this Christmas."

Anyone who mocks an atheist's fear of bananas wasn't there for the great banana invasion. Sometimes I close my eyes and I'm back there. The sounds of destruction. The bananas. In pajamas. Coming down the stairs…

Stay tuned for the Kirk Cameron Christmas Carol, which ends with a much-changed Scrooge offering to pay for Tiny Tim's needed transfusion.

You like Jesus, right? Well, at Christmas you get to see what he was like as a little baby.

Yeah, it's not so much Christianity as it is people who want to tell everyone else how to live their lives, but claim victimhood when people don't wanna listen to them.

Atheist Christmas celebrant here. I put up a little tree. I call it Christmas. I wrap presents. It's pretty nice. I consider this season more a celebration of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

The carnivalesque barker outside the tent promised me this movie would contain nudists! He swore up and down this was a film about nudist volleyball in space!

He'd love to see footage of Hobbit audiences, then! (rimshot)

"This hardcore sex just looks like a video game!" - angry audience nerd

Tastefully, we'll just see them embrace, and then it will cut away to Bilbo happily dunking a small roll of bread into a huge bowl of stew.

I watch the Hobbit movies for disappointingly brief cameos by Sylvester McCoy, each time hoping… hoping there could be just a little more McCoy.

I totally forgot he was in prison. After the big hoopla trial in the '90s I just assumed he was somehow prison-proof.

Frankenstein has made an off color joke in Twitter, and been replaced by a lower-wage actor doing a Frankenstein impression.

The thing I like about Creature From The Black Lagoon is that the creature is kind of innocent/morally ambiguous and human beings are the bad guys.

Who will play Abbot and Costello, though?

I can get on board with this list. Yeah, I agree it would be a mistake to turn these into big action movies. I also don't think they should go to far into the gore zone, but most definitely have the scary, creepy tone of the old monster movies. Though I also wouldn't mind if they took some inspiration from the…