Have you talked to an Objectivist lately? At least brain-dead zombies aren't Atlas Shrugged readers.

That's the Secret Service code name for Donald Trump's micropenis.

Where do you think the military gets its best recruits?

Pachinko? Racist!

On Day 2 of the Trump Presidency, El Jefe President-for-Life-and-Total-Winner Donald Trump will create a cabinet level post called The Department of Hookers and Blackjack.

Up, up, down, down, etc.

"But Daniel Tosh needed more air time!" — Comedy Central exec, nose deep in cocaine.

And he likes drinking old school stuff like Cristal and Skyy.

I'm more of a Brandine guy. Once she dumps Cletus, it's so on.

You fool! He uses peach brandy to strip his foot locker.

Time to pump up the Alcohol By Volume!

No. He was fired for being black.

Larry Wilmore does a full frontal with Samantha Bee. And he crushes it!

He's no Bruce Willis.

After the volcano erupted, it did create a lot of deadites.

Rene Russo?

Downvoted.

"This is Mexico, pal. Speak Spanish!" — El Jefe Donaldo Juarez Trumpo

"I'm working on it. Dammit, I need more time!" — Michael Moorcock

I'll do you one better. I'll make all the pertinent points in a Broadway tune written by Elton John and Alan Menken.