I get my atoms the next day from Amazon.com.

It wasn't the same photon. I can assure you of that.

It's bad on both "sides." I've been called every kind of fucker on the Internet, but I haven't killed myself because of it.

You'll just be called something offensive by people who don't think people should be offended.

"Can you believe those ignorant fuckers in the 21st Century didn't even let pets vote?"

Somebody gives me a few free new cars, I'm driving them.

I'm in no way a smoker, but realistically it's crazy that booze manufacturers can advertise all they want during programming known to be a favorite of children, while a completely legal product like cigarettes is banned.

Nixon was a visionary.

I'm reminded of the story told by Imogene Coca when she worked with Joe E. Ross on It's About Time. They both dressed as cave people, and she related that the repugnant Mr. Ross definitely did not wear any underwear under his costume, and would frequently let his horrible junk flap in the breeze without any care in…

It's okay. My humor is mostly non sequitur anyway.

The ads run by old, well-known products are there just as reminders and to fulfill some arcane product trademarking requirements.

Why? Was Wilma a genius or something? She just seemed like a typical early 60s housewife who thinks she's hotter than she actually is, that she shouldn't have to work so hard to keep her marriage together, and that the world should kiss her lazy ass.

Our intelligent robots won't make fun of us, they'll just process us into gray goo.

If she didn't want to be insulted, she should have taken down those little magnets on the refrigerator extolling the virtues of shoes and chocolate.

It's also possible that the Internet simply gave all these unhappy people who don't seem to realize that life sucks a forum to express themselves, rather than just the op-ed page of their local newspaper.

Instead of sugary cereals.

"Oh, I got bit by a squirrel."
"You'll be dead within hours."

Smokers are evil. That's all I know.

People offended by history are stupid.

Stupid iron meteorites don't have any alien DNA in them.