She probably goes right for the eyes and nuts, too.

The sumpthin sumpthin.

I saw a commercial the other day for fake choppers that were like those mouthguards football players use. You heat them up in water and then fit them to the horror you call a mouth, and they have teeth in the front. They look stupid, but for $24.99 (double your order if you call in the next 30 seconds!), they're…

TWO WILD AND CAHRAZZY COPS!

Yeah, but she meant those hard candies that you keep in a glass bowl for kids but the kids don't like them because they taste like old menthol and raspberry farts and dust.

We're all going to die. Why do anything?

What about Emma Stone?

Francis Xavier Bushman?

We need an Olivia De Havilland type, but less than 100 years old.

The hills were looking at Olivia De Havilland the other day and said, "She's older than us!"

David Alan Grier should host the Oscars.

They're all descended from Roc.

Sure jam all the news about black folks into Friday before a holiday. I see what you're doing!

She should know whether or not you were going to pay her.

It's no Inception.

You don't have locks?

Can't go wrong with a moose.

And yet when I name my special, "I Hate the Chinese," I get all kinds of shit for it and have to apologize on Twitter.

The holy Native Americans didn't name their kids until they were a year old since up to then they might have to eat them.

It just means that instead of splitting up the estate so that each person gets an equal share, each branch of the family gets an equal share. That means that if, say, you had three siblings and they all had kids, the estate would still be divided up equally four ways. You get relatively more money because there are…