[A fully-staged and animated song-and-dance number pulled straight from a 1960s musical and presented completely unironically]

I'd rather avoid the rush.

"Damn, those are some good looking monkeys…goddamn…get over here, monkey, you lookin' fine as hell, lookin' foooooine!"

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off into the hills, or wherever. Sometimes when I get a message on…

There's two rooms in the cryo facility. One is labelled "BILLIONAIRES" and the other is labelled "CONTEST WINNERS", and only the billionaires room is hooked into the power grid.

I appreciate the thought, but I've already arranged to have my remains fired into the sun after winning a promotional contest that 3rd Rock From The Sun ran in 1998. I haven't checked in on that in a while, but I'm sure it's still valid.

Well sure. John Leguizamo is a Medium-sized Dog at best.

DUMB DONNIE DOWN IN DUMPS DUE TO DENIED DEALS

"Wow, dad's really going to love this IF YOU CAN READ THIS THE BITCH FELL OFF t-shirt, and I bet mom smile tolerantly about it too!"

I seriously can't stop laughing about a guy with the self-imposed nickname "The Violator". Was he John Leguizamo in Spawn?

"I'M UP I'M OUT OF BED I'M DRESSED WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT" was, I'm sorry to say, emblazoned across my chest at least once a week in college.

As addressed elsewhere, when Eco wrote the piece, Peppermint Patty and Marcie didn't exist.

I'm all about pointlessly annoying family members. If they didn't want to be annoyed by me, they should have staged a massive scene at Thanksgiving dinner in 2003 and ruined it for everyone.

I'm a Kristofer Hivju man myself, but Kit Harrington ain't exactly hard to look at, that's for sure.

I mean, is it as long as my foot, or your foot, or what here? Whose foot are we talkin'? I need to get value for my 99¢.

And yet Tobias Funke's The Man Inside Me remains tragically under-read.

Bone Broth for Your Sense of Internal Smugness Over The Poor Choices Of Others

Coming to Netflix Streaming in July: The Cobbler (the bad one).

he says it will be “anything that has something to do with human emotion and the human spirit,”

Yeah…look like…