He wants the moon on a stick.

Hmm, perhaps my mistyping is onto something. The family hate the odd kid, so they break his leg to stop him spoiling the vacation…

How OLD was this injured kid, I might correct?

Negligence
How od was this kid, that the family left alone while they went a long way away to have fun?

The above joke is brought to you by the Brett Ratner version.

Dino
Didn't Scorcese go on for years about making a Dean Martin biopic? I think I'd rather see him do that than do one on Frank. Dino needs love too.

I Write The B-Sides.

Nightmares
Hey gang! Wanna feel like you're being assaulted? Just start playing the embedded mp3s of "Here You Come Again", "9 to 5", "Save the Last Dance" and "Why'd You Come in Here" all at the same time, like my housemate did the second I left the room! It's a fucking twangy nightmare!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand link!

The magnificent Charlie Brooker did an excellent job of destroying the UK Gladiators in his Screenwipe review of the year.

Well, I hear tell the Onion needs a new IES - What's you stance on pig lips and canned cheeseburgers, Leonard?

Oy vey!

Chang, everytime my housemates eat an "Assorted Pork Griddle" from Netto, I shall think of you.

Morphine
I'm pretty sure that morphine doesn't slow down time and turn you into some kind of super badass.

Damnit! I was too busy congratulating myself on a rape joke to see it had already been made. Let's go with Rape and the Maiden.

The Ninth Rape.

I used to think about what song I wanted played at my funeral, and always thought I'd go with something beautiful and uplifting, like NMH's "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea", or Magnet's "The Day We Left Town".

A griffin would need a gun if Bond came at it.

I hope it has a commercial for Indian Spirit Chewing Gum.

Name That Tune…
I've no doubt you've already answered this before, but what is the delightful ditty that plays at the start of AV Talk?