When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing, like that movie, Police Academy.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing disappointment after the next until you just wish Flanders was dead.

This is the best time I've ever been called a Nazi.

I'm surprised religious people didn't like Noah; it was long, boring, and made no sense, just like the bible.

I don't recall saying those things were fine.

Well he wasn't asked about it at a press conference then…

And even if you ignore the allegations of actual assault, he certainly has a penchant for underage girls…

Fair enough. I'll try to step up my insult game. Any suggestions?

It's telling that in order to defend his films you have to point to his credentials as a professor. I don't care if he's the Mayor of Philosophy Town, the garbage that ends up in his movies is just scattered disconnected fragments of language that never add up to anything. But it looks and sounds profound and…

Terrance Malick is the most overrated director of our time. Michael Bay is to CGI as Malick is to pseudo-philosophical nonsense. The films are interesting visually, but I don't know how anyone can stand those pouting, whispered monologues that sound like they were plagiarized from an undergrad poetry slam.

Just imagine what this comment section would look like if they had chosen a different name for the feature.

I feel like this is a missed headline opportunity. It should have read, "Eric Wareheim, on what he turned down Turn Down For What for."

Can you hear the dolphins cry?

I'm almost to the mainframe!

I still haven't seen 1 through 1,983 yet!

Everyone says that, but how can you trust a bunch of elderly stoners?!

This is awesome news; I've always thought that that time and place is an underused and extremely interesting setting.

I came here with a simple dream. A dream of killing all humans. And
this is how it must end? Who's the real 7 billion ton robot monster
here? Not I, not I…

Yes, because record sales were doing really great before Spotify came along…

His Bono.