"Wes Craven's … a crude and often patently inept … slot-plugger that nonetheless tapped … a … [v]irgin[.] [T]he film's raw, home-movie-like realism … brought sick force to its simple story of …horny … f…ucking [on] … the … victim's … 17th birthday[.] [T]he new Last House team takes the premise as license to be…

"Kristin Kreuk['s] … tit…-play… boasts … energy and magnetism[!] That … honor belongs to … funster … Interpol agent… Jack Nicholson[.] Kreuk plays a big-["]hearted["] ivory-tinkler drawn into a web of intrigue after she receives a mysterious scroll beckoning her to ["]Bangkok["], where … Kreuk … becomes the eager…

So this is the
last buzzkills for a while, huh?

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"[W]riter-director Wayne Kramer … offer[s] up a healthy dose of …America[!] … Harrison Ford… brings the wrath of the FBI on … a …camel-humper[!] … The second reel opens with a crocodile attack on … the Iranian immigrant next door[!] … Tied together with endless … shots … [at] rabbi[s] … Kramer's ……

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"Echelon Conspiracy … offers up the tantalizing hook of a HAL 9000 that can fit into … h…om…ophobic smartphone users[!] … [T]he device winds up in … Shane West, a … wizard[.] At first, the phone works like magic: West gets [off] … on … the … extremely coveted sinister device[!] … Once the powers-that-be…

"The opening scene finds our … heroes, played by Nicholas D'Agosto and Eric Christian Olsen, … out of their underwear … de-virginizing [k]ids. … [T]he … 'roided-up … D'Agosto and Olsen hightail it through the neighborhood… in… bikini[s]… [t]hat's pretty much what life's like for them, especially since they're also…

Whose house?

Well, son of a bitch.

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"[F]uck … The International … [is] slick[!] … It's hard to imagine a better … thriller … The International … [is] consummate[!]"

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"Sudden Shocks: The Movie, an entirely context-free feature-length compendium of loud noises and scary things moving abruptly into frame… [is] charming … its sheer … creativity … is … dizzying[!] … You … smug, fussy asshole … show… up to … [t]he … movie[!] …[N]aked boobs and ghastly murders[!] … [T]he film…

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"Producer Jerry Bruckheimer…'s … latest wad of cinematic c…u…m… stars … Lucille Ball … [who] maintains a daft, blinkered innocence … [despite] dying[!] The film gets a fizzy ebullience from … John Goodman['s] … 112 minutes … of … laughable … gags… [he] makes for a winning Cinderella[!]"

Too true.

Dammit Miller! Make your jokes earlier in the thread!

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"Based on the thinnest of sources—… Judaism—He's Just Not That Into You unfolds into a rom-com phantasmagoria of … space … creatures who send off clear, unambiguous signals[:] If a guy refuses to … get … cut… or storm… the beaches of Normandy… don't do … hi[m][!] … Though the screenplay works overtime to…

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"The Uninvited … is … ambiguous, psychosexual [and] … as suggestive as … a hard-R would allow it to be[!] The result is … Frankenstein … as a gold-digging evil-…comedic … psycho[!] … As the film opens, [Tyra] Banks … dies in a fire[!] … [A]fter attempting suicide … the … sleuthing … lurching… beastie……

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"Kate Hudson as a domineering legal barracuda with power bangs … Meg Ryan as a hard-charging, cynical movie executive … in the perfect… new comedy-drama New In Town[!] … [Renee] Zellweger plays an ambitious Miami career gal dispatched by the soulless suits at Corporate to the frozen wastelands of…

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"Taken has a message for overprotective fathers everywhere: Don't let your teenage daughter … traffic… s…e…m…i…t…e…s[!] … [H]igh-octane lunacy … Hardcore[!] … Steven Seagal … a thespian of Neeson's caliber chop[s] down burly henchmen with his bare hands … the film is … worthy[!] Director Pierre Morel also…

I'm not really up on the details of the creative process - I know McKean has a story credit - but the overall plot and themes come off as a very typical Gaiman fairy tale. It actually put me off reading any of his new stuff for a while, just because it was disheartening to see so many familiar ideas presented in what…

Disappointing. Like all of Gaiman's forays into film and television so far, actually. The visual aesthetic was cool, in a low-budget sort of way (credit to the awesome Dave McKean for that), but the story was annoyingly formulaic Gaiman. The same holds for Beowulf, except replace "low-budget" with "high-budget" and…

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"[O]rnate[!] … Matrix-y slo-mo gunfights and [a] chilly goth aesthetic[!] … [I]n a vague medieval-ish past … Bill Nighy … reprising his role from the first two films … [as Richard] Nixon … is a growly … ass-kickin' vampire[!] [A] tasteful sex montage … with … Romeo & Juliet … repeats … a sequence of ……