"Sam Raimi's … trafficking in lots of … ass-…frolicking … with … Alison Lohman[.] [Lohman] stars as a sweet-natured loan officer competing for an ass… position … that involves three days of torment—Evil Dead-style spirit-beatings, basically—followed by a creature that… well… it's right there in the tit[s][!]"

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"The world has been … very hard … [for] Jessica Biel…, and to her credit, Biel has been trying, too, by occasionally setting aside Hollywood projects and showing some [e]asy [v]irtue. [In] some of her best work … [the] cock… which Biel …tempts … bounces [from] limp… to … hard… in … her womanhood[!] Biel…

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"Steven Soderbergh['s] The Girlfriend Experience, … his artful glimpse at the business of sex is … [like] a… $1,000 gold-flecked ice-cream sundae[!] Not many filmmakers have the ability to adapt … [T]he [F]ly like that—… and it adds another layer to [Cronen]berg…'s [with its] cool dissection of a…

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"The Brothers Bloom … has … the narrative complexity of … an epileptic, accident-prone New Jersey … high-school[er's] … [fan]fiction[!] [T]he film might have worked … better with … Weisz … dutifully working her way through pinhole photograph[ers], DJ[s], martial art[ist]s, and … Robbie Coltrane … who does…

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"The joy of 2006's Crank, starring Jason Statham as poisoned hitman Chev Chelios, came from its cheerful contempt for … Asian[s] … and … black[s][.] In this one… [Chelios], played expertly by Dwight Yoakam, … has an hour to find … and … slaughter… dozens of … Pedro[s], … gay[s][,] black[s] … and Bai Ling,…

Damn! Beat me to it. And much more concisely too. Tasha made this one way too easy, though.

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"Dragonball: Evolution … should already be familiar to adult film buffs. [T]he protagonist, Goku (Justin Chatwin) … sucks … a lot of …hung… hunk[s]-o-beef[.] That changes on his 18th birthday, when Kim … explains that there are … "…balls," and that whoever has them … may … defen[d] against a bald, green…

"Has there ever been a more … attractive, freshly scrubbed … 'tween[?] Resistance is futile. Cyrus plays Hannah as a world-famous pop star … [her] behind … is totally … bitchin'[!] [I'd] loving[ly] … pop … her … and … clima[x][!] In a sadly/gloriously representative scene … [my] pants … ferret … enters ……

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"[W]hile the film incorporates a touch of neo-realism … [it] star[s] Reza Naji … as a shallow … ostrich[.] His life has two modes: … the ratcheted-up, frantic screaming that mark his interactions with … people … who… offend Naji's sense of propriety … [and] the harsh rhythm of the city, where … he … flows…

"[As] a 28-year-old … Muammar Qaddafi … Paul Dano … [i]sn't … terribly persuasive[.] [B]ut he lucks out when … [he] buys … Zooey Deschanel … a mound of cotton candy[.] Gigantic could have been about the complications that Dano's dreams … present for his nascent relationship with Deschanel. But … [a]ny resemblance the…

"Vin Diesel … and … Michelle Rodriguez … are teaming up again … as … two men trying to out-macho each other … but [one] … [i]s a … lesbian[!]"

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"Adventureland… the insufferable faux intellectual['s] … Twilight … is like watching the mating rituals of … Judd Apatow … and … Pretty In Pink[.] [H]our[s] … [of] frat-boy smirkiness … the epitome of cool to … big loser[s.] [T]o pretty much everyone else … Adventureland … inhabits a world without ……

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"WWE superstar John Cena has a freakishly … 'roided-out … 12["] … putting him in the middle of brain-clouding orgies[.] Cena is luckily never called upon to express an emotion more complicated than, well, a furrowed-brow look of grim concentration… [his] [c]rank… needs only … to … [p]op … to … destroy…

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"The Haunting In Connecticut proves … liberal[s]…, to use the polite term, [should] pay … for… [their] spooky … bullshit … [by] dying of cancer[.] [I]n a … trip-to-the-library montage sequence … a … lazy … annoying … mother … f[-]er… excret[es] streams of pillowy ectoplasm from his mouth[.] [B]arf[!]"

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"[C]lassic graphic … grotesque … gas-bloated … Zack Snyder… sex[!] … The actors' performances are far more natural than they are in the Watchmen movie—it's especially nice to see more … grainy stock footage of … grimy '70s … head…. What we do with that … is up to us[!]"

As I understand it, it's because of the promise William makes in order to cross the river in the first place to rescue Margaret (in Annan Water). I think there's more to it than that, though, as there seems to be some implication that Margaret and her sisters are the river's daughters (and can take the form of a…

I love Picaresque too, and up until now I would have said it was their best album. Really, though, I enjoy all of their albums, though all for different reasons. The thing is, it's the storytelling that really makes the Decemberists stand out for me, so I'm predisposed to like their forays into a longer format…

That's a good question, and one I don't have an answer to. The timeframe of the story and the status of Margaret's pregnancy are kind of unclear. That being said, I get the impression that the Queen wins regardless, except for the fact that William and Margaret get the small victory of marrying right before they die.

The Prettiest Whistles Won't Wrestle The Thistles Undone
As a Decemberists fan since Picaresque, I'm floored by this album. Definitely an A in my book.

"Miss March … is … the … most quotable … film this writer has seen[!]"