Easily a favorite Onion headline of all time. It ranks right up there with "Hank Williams, Jr. Honored by National Institute for Football Preparedness"

Following the commercial and critical success of their last album release, the original plan for the tour was that U2 would just automatically show up to the living room of everyone in the world and start performing, whether they wanted it or not. This, however unfortunately, turned out to be cost prohibitive, hence…

They got halfway there, but then had to turn around

Get very used to hearing this name, as it will serve as proof that Trump can't be racist because why else would he hire a Black woman, libtard?!? It will also likely be followed by a lengthy proclamation of who the real racists are.

Never go full Simmons.

This is truly our generation's Spartacus moment:

That's why he preemptively accepted our thanks by letting us know we were welcome. The sign of a good joke is when the creator of said joke makes sure to let their audience know it's ok to appreciate their genius.

I could totally see this becoming another "Born in the USA" where they'll find one lyric they like, ignore the obvious intended message, and will oddly somehow become a conservative anthem.

Exactly. He came to the university where I work to do his low-budget Kathy Griffin impression for the College Republicans, and I had a very Seinfeld moment where I felt like I was less offended as someone who hates fascism than I was offended as someone who enjoys comedy and witty dialogue.

Why can't these companies ever just admit the painfully obvious truth? Like, we get it, this will probably make money, you're in the money-making business, so you did this otherwise odious act because it would make you money.

They spent a lot of time in the game last night using the corporate crime defense of "none of these students were here when it happened?!? Why should they suffer the consequences?!?"

We're going to get a Pats/Dallas SB, or as Will Leitch called it, "The 2016 Presidential Election" Super Bowl.

The strategy of college football is to recruit the few players who will go pro and try to have more of them than your opponent. Then your superior players can just run circles (often literally!) around their inferior opponents. Entertaining? Most definitely. Strategic? Not at all.

I think it's mainly a place where people make fun of Dawes and learn bacon recipes.

Yeah, NYE has to be one of the most overrated party nights of the year.

Well, at least it didn't take long to make the post appreciating respectful debate look ironic.

I'm too hungover to give a shit about NYE stuff, so I'm probably going to spend the evening watching college football in my pajamas by myself. It seems a pretty fitting end for this year.

Look at you, getting off on being withholding.

Sorry, to do that would be playing God.

To be fair, the frames linked to in this article are pretty fucking dope. I realize I should probably phrase that to in some way reflect a RUN DMC verse, but it's Friday and I'm lazy. Cool glasses, though.