-Why have I heard nothing of this tale of fingerbangery?
-That's because you're a third-tier friend at best.

-[over phone] Maria, my black heart goes out to you. I mean it. From one person who has killed dogs before to another, I know it's tough.
-Yes, I know. Thank you, Karen. And I'm sorry that you couldn't make it.
-Oh, I'm here. I was just freshening up my drink.

-I don't feel safe with him anymore.
-Yeah, well, you shouldn't feel safe around me either.

-Hey, why is there a Mountie here?
-Blossom had a dual German-Canadian citizenship.
-How do you know that?
-I saw her passport when I bailed her out of jail after that DUI. The second one.

-That's how the devil works. By convincing the world that he's nice. Murder him now!.
-No one is being murdered. All I need to do is to tell people all the evil things Checklist has done.
-Then I can kill Mark McGrath, right?
-No! No one kills Mark McGrath!
-Can I slap him around a little bit?
-No!

-Let me talk to her for one minute.
-In dog years that is four days, and that is fucking ridiculous. Good night.

-Oh, my God. Is that how you put the dogs down?
-Oh, no. We drown them in a bucket. I just use the shotgun to keep their heads underwater.

So you did fingerbang her. See, I'm part Native American, so my people are used to being raped at Thanksgiving.

You choose now to do some decent space work?! You unholy bastard. Back to one!

-Oh, God. You're alive!
-That's what I call a welcome home. I was just driving home and I saw your car parked out front.
-The Lexus.

The Passion of the Christ 2: The Streets

The Passion of the Christ: Back 2 Da Hood

-Graham left and…
-You know what? Fuck Graham! I can get you a million Grahams! A gram of coke. A gram of meth. I can get you your own dead grandma. I will dig her sorry bitch-ass up.

-Don't worry, you're going to lose the baby after a very vigorous horseback riding excursion. #RedSaddle.
-Jeez, Bruce, that's dark.
-Oh, no. Red Saddle is the name of the ranch.

-Wow! Well, apparently Patches isn't the only thing to take a big giant shit on set this morning.
-[Patches whimpers]

-Do you want Mommy and Daddy to drive you back to Iowa, so Daddy can go on sucking off truckers and your mother can slop the pigs? Do you?! Do you?!
-[crying]
-Finally, the emotion we've been after all day. Now turn it off, because you're a robot!

-I just want you to know that I do not in any way support child militias. And I am not supporting this child army.
-Well, I heard you gave them money.
-I heard you got money from them.
-Both of you are wrong!
-Well, that's philosophically impossible. One of us has to be right.

Erik shattered their Emmy chances. Oh well, there's always next year.

-I wanna handle your shit, Maria.
-No shit?
-I shit you not.
-Get that shit over here.

When I see Hillary Clinton on TV, I don't wanna strangle her.
I don't think a lot of people can say that.