-We can't do anything about AIDS.
-Who are you? Ronald Reagan?

So you guys are watching the same newscast.

What about MacFarlane at the oscars?

I want some of that stew he's got going.

I heard that one's better than Hell or High Moonlight.

-Hitchcock let his phone in the bathroom again and guess what I found on it?
-I needed the cash! I didn't know they'd be filming!!

-Since this is the only lead you have, go do something with it.
-Oh, we'll go do something with it. We'll go do something with the hell out of it.

-Why won't it burn?
-Because it never fully dries. The towel lives and so do we!!

-I'm a cop now.
-No, you're not.
-Then why do I have a badge and a gun? The thin blue line just got thick as hell.
-Come on!

-It's potty time.
-What were you guys talking about? Did he think the shirt was racist?

-Wait, Charles! That was a yellow light!
-I proceeded with caution.

-Caroling isn't about competing, it's about having fun together.
-Now that you put it that way, Scully, it makes me realize …. Rosa and Terry are right. I say we quit the competition and hurl projectiles at the MTA.

The question on the table is: Do we add a velvet-voiced drunkard to our caroling group or do we lose miserably like a bunch of miserable losers? I say we do it and I'm the boss, therefore … meeting adjourned.

Oh no, there goes the glue after all!

-Not to brag, but I was name-checked in my kindergarten teacher's suicide note.
-Oh, my god.

-Scully, Hitchcock. Lose the chocolate fountain.
-What are we suppose to dip our strawberries in? Our nacho cheese fountain? That's crazy.

-That soup is good. That's gonna leave a mark.
-What?!

The climatic scene has been leaked:

There are some who call me … Tim.

-You pantsing Patrick Ewing has nothing to do with this!
-It doesn't? Oh my god, why did I share that story?!