-There sure are a lot of people here.
-These assholes? They're all pieces of shit.
You're all pieces of shit!! Don't worry about it, they're all my best friends.

If you know what you're talking about, you can explain any hit show in three words.
They sold Friends with three words… "Whiny, coffee, Jews." Friends, okay?

Cut the power to the building!

I mean, put yourself in their shoes. They're, like, snowboarding in Tahoe or, like, banging some smokin' chick, and then this fucking nerd calls, and he wants to talk about his app. Buzz-kill.

-Have either of you been on a jury?
-No, of course not. I always get out of it. The fines are very reasonable.
-You don't just throw those things away?

Congressman Baxter, I completely believe you about the whole men's room incident. It sounded very plausible to me.

Our first responders were terribly traumatized by what happened to the first responders in New York.

-You have better instincts than any officer in the Lannister army.
-That's like saying I have a bigger cock than anyone in the Unsullied army.

-You know what they say, "Bipolar, bye-bye friends."
-Do they say that?
-I think they probably wouldn't to your face, but they'd say it to their real friends. I think that would be funny for all of them.

-That's the worst sheep herding I've ever seen.
-Huh?
-JK! Just kidding. Your dog is fantastic! JK!
-Wait, you're kidding again?
-No, I initialed my approval as a sign of sincerity.

-Oh, that's great. Fuck you, Maria! And fuck you!
-[dog whimpers]

Why do you insist on behaving like I'm your friend?

-It is a calendar for ladies called a "Palendar."
-You didn't go for "Galendar"?
-What in the shit, Carol!!!!

-He's going through a rough patch with his marriage.
-Oh, boo-fucking-hoo. You know what? We all have problems. My son shot up his school. Did I miss a day of work? No, I didn't. Okay?!

-I'm not in the right place, am I?
-You just read for a 22-year-old black male…
-Okay.
-…and nailed it.

-You wanna know what I do when I don't have a man?
-No.
-I jam a cat paw up there.
-Oh, God.
-Yup. I'm talking about my friend Danny Katpaw. My deaf friend.

Well, at least we're still safe from any mention of Rooney Mara.

Hey, no one's mentioned Emma Stone yet. We're moving on.

-But I'm the one who betrayed the mission! Who called Yellow Diamond a clod! The new leader of the Crystal Gems!
-What?

I'm afraid he prematurely shot his wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid he has something of a mess on his hands.