I just did a luminol test in my room just to be sure. The results are disturbing, but I don't think it will help us get to the bottom of this CSI cancellation.

You don't appreciate the incredible character work and multi-layered writing of 2 Broke Girls? For shame.

-That was great. I'm just gonna go throw up.
-Dad!

Maybe they meant his penis is so long, it reaches to his neck and accidentally chokes him.

That's what your mom said last night!!

Cruz is out.

-You weren't around for the last bubble. You were probably in diapers.
-I was 11.
-Well, I wasn't in diapers.
-I wasn't either, I was…
-I was there.

That's because you had it turned off.

-He makes dwarf jokes, I make eunuch jokes.
-I do not make dwarf jokes.
-But you think them.

Lillian shows she has the vision and professional commitment to become a politician:

Some real emotional gut punches:

-It's just some people find it offensive…
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jacqueline, look, some of my best statues are of Indians.

-I bet this town is full of heroes.
-Well, our founder, Colonel Henry Titus, would have been a Civil War hero if the right side had won.

I'd like to thank all of you for coming here to celebrate the life of a very special victim indeed.

No, Verizon cannot turn homeless people into walking cell phone towers.

-I can't remember the last time I rode the subway. Thank you for trying to stop that horrible break-dancing panhandler.
-That man was having a seizure, Jacqueline.

I've been busy. You know, getting my 14 hours every night and going to the Jim … Gaffigan Show craft service table.

My mother's dead!!! She's dead!!!

So, he ain't making Casablanca.

Ladies, ladies… Please, please. Let's not do something that could go viral. #MoleFight.