All right, folks. I'm gonna go in the bathroom and I'm gonna suck my own dick.
You guys pay whatever you think is fair, good?

There was a mistake in the headline. They meant Charlie Sheen’s wife's great-grandmother.

This guy's a terrific comedy writer. He could have his own show.

-Did you take a camel? Can we validate?
-No, I walked.

Jasper did find Amber two monhs later.
She shot him four times at point blank range.

We are police officers, not street urchins playing speed chess in the park.
For shame.

-Ask me what day it is. Please ask me what day it is.
-What day is it?
-Don't care!

Oh, screw it! I'll just skip the reunion, I don't wanna show up there with a bald head ….. again.

Then this is the reason the main characters inexplicably survived the first season. So this means they will continue to live at the end of this one too.
Really high-stakes stuff.

-What are you doing here, Carl?
-Oh, come on, now. Call me Chuckie's dad.

-She is, like, my idea of the perfect wife. We would be so happy together for, like, 15 years.
-Wait, I'm sorry. Even your idea of the perfect fantasy wife ends in divorce?
-Yeah. Yeah, for sure, but it would be amicable.

-That's why she's the queen and you're not.
-I know, I know.
-You could never be queen
-I know!

-I support your foolhardy wager. We have a "you break it, you buy it" policy, and I work on commission.
-Wow, what a nice guy.

Don't praise the broadcast network.

Yes, it is. My favorite character ever.

I can be dynamic …. exclamation point.

Oh my god, this guy's got a pancake butt. Not Pimento, get out of there, Jake!

They've canceled so many good shows, it gives me night terriers.

-We knock on the front door, I say I'm Tex Dallas, you're my brother Alamo and you're Black Fred.
-Black Fred? Why Black Fred?!! There's no other Fred!
-Yeah, but they don't know that!

-We will never let anyone buy our loyalty again.
-Yeah, Kermit's the best, we'd do anything for the guy.
-Si, specially now since he bought us these suits.