If you need some sketches; lets see here, how about this one: I play a hypnotist. Ok, close your eyes, you're getting very SLEEPY!!!

-Excuse my french.
-I don't believe that was french.

That boy's gotta crush on me.

Mike Huckabee supporters don't know the meaning of surrender … because they were educated in the Arkansas public school system.

So what does it take to become a reporter for youtube, other than rejection from every other news outlet?

Terry knows his keyboard shortcuts.
Whoop. Just deleted everything.

-Hey, Ozerov, I'll have a martini with a twist. The twist? You're under arrest.
-None for me; I'm driving… you to jail.
-He's clean. There's no drugs on him.
-Damn it. We wasted those cool lines on nothing. Also, we blew the case. That's obviously much worse.That was my first thought

She's a medical professional, ok. Would you keep a doctor on a leash?

-You know, this is exactly what I need. To make a future with you guys, not live in the past alone. I mean, did Ian Ziering live in the past?
-Well… kind of. Uh, he played a teenager when he was in his 30s.

I tell my waterboardist everything.

-The one million angry parents association are outside protesting right now!
-A million? I only see three of 'em, Sam.
-They like to round up.

-I'm Pache. Spelled exactly how it sounds… p-i-double-z-a.
-Uh, wait a minute. That spells pizza.
-Branding 101… build your brand on an already established brand.

I'm very discriminating.

Wow, they didn't nominate Brooklyn or The Danish Girl for best picture. Good for you, BAFTA.

-Are you ready for the best rock and roll band in the world?!!
[cheering]
-Me too!! …. but first, Shire Of Frodo.

Wouldn’t it be funny if we cure like, 5 types of cancer right now?

Chewbacca is Keyser Söze!!!

Taylor Swift: The Unauthorized Autobiography

Somebody take her down!!

Spoken like a true captain.
Also, you are in trouble. You're suspended one week.
But you've got a bright future.
But I'll need your badge and gun.