That header image. I'm having a heat stroke just thinking about wearing that many layers and all black in Atlanta.

Why so shameful?

The rest of the world watches the U.S. at its birthday laugh too loudly, play touch football too aggressively, drink too much, and generally try too hard to pretend everything's OK.

If it doesn't have a "No puppet—you're the puppet!" reference I'm demanding my money back.

The "generational divide"/"old people are useless" Newswire is the one directly below this.

I just can't decide whether to lynch them to the opening bars of "For What It's Worth" or "All Along The Watchtower".

"Bull-Shit"

As always, the only way to visually depict generational divide is showing people on others' shoulders at a concert.

Oh. I was confused by the association.

Somehow, I don't think those who are against animal-based circuses are going to be considered the Neaderthals of their time.

We're worse off than Idiocracy portended. President Camacho at least cared enough about his country to enlist a relatively competent and intelligent person (Luke Wilson's character) in his administration.

*thinks, spits, thinks some more*

Speaking as a native Ozarker, meth, squirrel hunting, or underage tail. Or all of the above.

That's why they included the disclaimer: Midget Not Included

He stole some okapis the last time.

This gimmick candidate just isn't outrageous enough for me. How about one that mocks disabled people during speeches and talks about his cock in debates?

An excitable boy, they all said.

I see you've never played Iliostomy Quest. Noob.

Remember when we joked about 2016 killing all our icons? 2017 is out to kill our souls and belief in humanity.

I was rooting for Rosey Grier. He has a book on needlepoint.