Sagamihara, Japan?

THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY!

Hedberg saves the day
My go-to phrase when conversations crop up about "US Weekly" and "People" magazine fodder like the above three useless jackholes, and I'm asked to contribute my thoughts, is an old Mitch Hedberg joke. I just substitute in the appropriate pronoun:

A retooling of sorts …
Larry Zoolander: I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mirmaid.

Is Fat Muffin Man there?
And are said muffins all jammed up with that blueberry?

Emo haircut, I'm-a let you finish, but …
… Auto-Tune had one of the best music-related, intangible-item deaths of all time!

Settle this once and for all, Internets …*
Is it pronounced "guy-den" or "gay-den"?

@Famous Country Musician: … or movies not ending with the suffix "-land"?

Full albums for me
The average length of a full album is usually perfectly suited for my lunchtime workouts (five days per week, minimum … ladies), so I have a few go-to selections that I can count on getting me from start to finish.

Are food stamps even a thing anymore?

This is a goddamned tragedy. Finding out tuna is better than ham, I mean; not the whole tour-getting-canceled thing, which I couldn't give a rat's ass about.

Just for fun …
… you should have given this game a grade of "AaaaaAAaaaAA— well, you know.

The robots in this movie don't look like Daft Punk. I wanted ones like Daft Punk.

@Domino88: I once saw this mid-20s girl walking through a grocery store who was by no means morbidly obese, but was big enough that she had a ring of fat that hung directly over the top of her low-cut jeans, independent from the rest of the fat in her midsection. I described this to a co-worker, who coined a term for…

Once you go Japanese-style curry with a side of dill relish, you never back … it's hellish. (That's not true; I just wanted to make it rhyme.)

Folk-a your eyes out
Folk music! I have, at one point, enjoyed output from each of the artists who make up this group, so I have high hopes for this. Rave reviews for this *and* the new Mika album? Sign me up. This year is shaping up to be an especially great one for music.

This is bound to start a riot. Act accordingly.

Can't you see I'm loco?
Finally, a product that combines the awesomeness of peanut butter with … curry? I guess, like you say, it is hard to fuck up peanut butter, so I might actually seek this out. Really, though, who needs an excuse to try peanut butter, any time, for any reason? Sounds like all the other flavors…

This game recognizes "Hadron Collider."
That's the most baller shit ever.

I'm not a baby, I'm a man. I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn.