Looooooooooo-hoo-hoo-ooooooooooser!

Next time I'm at a dinner party, I'm going to use this, word for word, to follow up someone's depressing story of putting down a beloved pet.

Now fast-forward a few years and I'm in Milton Berle's dressing room at Saturday Night Live. He's sitting behind a couch behind a coffee table, and he's wearing a very short kind of bathrobe, the kind that comes down to midthigh. And somehow, I just say to him, "You know, it's so weird that I'm here talking to you,…

God: what an asshole!

Nearly drinks himself death, then spends the rest of his life wandering around downtown Kansas City with a beer gut protruding from an unbuttoned Tommy Bahama shirt and a warm Zima telling random people to "Answer yousa telephone."

Zima? What's next, a Red Dog comeback?

A shitgibbon, perhaps?

"Though his gay dandyism and adherence to the maxim that “there is only one thing worse than being talked about and that is not being talked about” stirs comparisons to Oscar Wilde, Yiannopoulos more resembles another literary archetype, satirized by great American novelists from Mark Twain to Tom Wolfe: the British…

Also, Pee-wee's Playhouse.

Okay, DC cats, here it is: Menomale best in show, Paradiso best with beer, Ducini's best after beer.

To borrow the words of Dwight K Schrute: "I think they both could do better."

Harold Perrineau as Mercutio in Romeo+Juliet is still one of my all time favorite casting choices.

Hey, whatever happened to Videocracy?

I blame Jennifer Lawrence for my rise.

Golly I'm gonna have some strange dreams tonight.

Titanic 2: Billy Zane Defenestrates!

Plus it is a major drinking holiday hot on the heels of New Years.

I mean, the first season aired as we invaded Iraq. Trump might be taking us back to get more oil: boom, season 5.

Well if you don't stop hiring federal workers, you can't hire contractors to do the same job at 3x the price, thus fulfilling your crony obligation to the fuckers who donated money to your campaign!

I helped someone who has an actual research and writing job with a political website edit her tweet tonight and she was ecstatic. I on the other hand was baffled that a) professionals still can't Twitter well, b) professionals still can't edit well, and c) I somehow made the absolute best decision to not get a job…