I'll sing you a poem of a silly young king
Who played with the world at the end of a string,
But he only loved one single thing—
And that was just a peanut-butter sandwich.

Yeah cause if there's one adjective I'd use to describe Vin Diesel, it's animated.

Am I the only one who uses the "swipey typing" option on my Samsung phone? It's so much easier than trying to touch type on Apple devices, especially for texts and emails.

To be fair to two of the assholes trying to do this, Cruz and Rubio are just pandering to an evangelical base by proposing a bill that would cut all embassy security funds in all countries IF the American embassy in Israel is not moved from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem in order to fulfill some idiotic end times prophesy. As…

This St. Patty's Day is going to be the drunkest on record.

This joke definitely checks out?

"Both Biffs can work together! Let's keep watching!"

"I see ads for dead Seeso. All the time."

C'mon that's ridiculous! Just make a game out of it; aim for the mouth!

Like a shark cage match where they're both in a shark cage with a shark? Cause that's what it should be. Ruthless.

Meet women for free? This sounds fishy.

What would make up for the impending death of America? A frozen York Peppermint Patty, perhaps? Cause I'm having one.

Now we're cooking with vegan pizza dough!

They can afford to keep it at $5 cause nothing is ever wasted: no sauce too turnt, no old cheese too moldy, and no pepperoni pulled off the floor too grimey. It truly is marvelous.

Well now you're just trying to make me hungry.

Better to be an outlaw fur trader than have a in-law who's a furry hater.

Japanese sushi mayo.

If by asteroid you mean "elusive CIA Magic Bullet" and by planet you mean "the festering cranial bones holding in the putrid slime that is Shitgibbon's gray matter," that is certainly possible.

In a lot of cases, it's just stupid all the way down.

—Gérard Depardieu impression!