The whole alien abduction scenario is something that absolutely, irrationally, terrifies me.

…and I just heard that Levon Helm passed away. I do believe this is the quickest celebrity death hat trick in history. Dick Clark, Frid and Helm. Damn…

What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHIN'

Here a cunt, there a cunt, everywhere a cunt-cunt.

You know, I was into Mel Gibson's rants before anyone else was. I've got a mint copy of his first one on VINYL, bitches!

I certainly can't debate the lack of literary merit in 50 Shades because I'll never read it. I do have to take exception to being so snarky about suburban soccer moms embracing it. Hey, if crappy erotic fiction opens new sexual avenues for some women, more power to them…I'm sure their husbands won't complain.

I would love to sit Nugent down and ask him in a civil manner to please clarify his statements. Did Obama really appoint commies? What has he done so far that's "vile" and "evil?" Just a little explanation. I'm sure I'd just get a blank stare. I'm so sick of these idiots spewing whatever ridiculous nonsense comes to…

Still more proof that there is no god.

Originally, they were going to break into semaphore instead of Chinese, but found that too cumbersome.

(Asking nervously) …b-but is it a benign lump???

Is there any way we could suck out Robbie Robertson's life force and give it to Levon? Or would that transform Levon into an intolerable douche?

I'm sure that means that one of the greatest theme songs in television history will also have to endure some sorta hideous "reboot." Yeah, I'd just love to see what someone like Will I. Am would do…

(With heavy echo and reverb)

Meh. I'd rather they record and tour as The Network again.

For Berry it would be more ding-a-ling.

How about that adorable Betty White?

It's a sad inevitability, my friend.

Nice, but no one can hold a candle to Julie Newmar's Catwoman.

Goldblum probably has plenty of time on his hands after Tim and Eric ceased production…

The best thing about Cops is that no matter how shitty of a day you've had, all you have to do watch about 5 minutes of that show and realize that your day wasn't so bad after all.