I don't want them to kill the internet, but it would be nice if they could lock it up for 48 hours a week, during which time nobody could use it.

AND SO HE SAYS TO ME, YOU WANT TO BE A BAD GUY? AND I SAY YEAH, BABY! I WANT TO BE BAD! I SAYS CHURCHILL SPACE PONIES I'M MAKING GRAVY WITHOUT THE LUMPS! AND HE SAYS TO ME, HE SAYS TO ME, YOU GOT STYLE, BABY! BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA BE A REAL VILLAIN YOU GOTTA GET A GIMMICK! AND SO I SAYS YEAH, BABY! A GIMMICK THAT'S IT!…

Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits!

Ah, the machine that goes PING!

The only reason I know the phone number to get carpet next day and payment next year is because of those catchy Empire ads.

I could never work at Salvation Army because:

We had a program called Project ChARLIE. "ChARLIE" stood for "Chemical Awareness something something." It was based on the idea that kids do drugs because they have low self-esteem, hence most of the classes were about how great we all are and how we don't need drugs to be cool. Oh, and don't lick any stamps or…

I prefer to pick my entertainment according to whether I think I'd like the artists in real life. If the writer, director, or actor doesn't seem like a very nice person, they don't deserve to be making movies.

Wonderful kid…when you due back at Boys Town?

I thought Chewbacca Mom was the most-watched video, though maybe that's on Facebook or something.

Make sure the owner is 100% Mexican before ordering. You wouldn't want to abet someone profiting off someone else's culture!

The book on ghosts from Time-Life's Secrets of the Unknown series was kind of freaky.

Gustave Dore did some pretty badass illustrations of Hell for The Divine Comedy.

I think Jordan has a restaurant in River North as well.

Eh, whatisthisnolaughterornothin? WhatamIchoppedliveroverhere? IknowskwhenImnotwantedthatsforsure…

I had been working at Pizza Hut for $4.35 an hour. The video store raised me to $5.00 an hour.

I've worked in a number of lame locales off the Blue Line Rosemont stop. There are a lot of big office parks around there.

Hey, Sabu, can you make a bullshot?

They're about to raze the little mall near my mom's. The only things left are a small locally-owned Sears and a small Penney's that is going out of business. While I was visiting last week, I bought two polo shirts there for $15 total.

Don't worry about them. They're just OTR.