And I'll bet that bit about them becoming amateur strippers and her changing into leather pants and wiggling her ass to tease that horny old guy was his idea, too.

[Robin Williams drops mask out of window]

Man, I'll bet Steven Tyler fucked the shit out of that hot brunette who costarred in the "Crazy" video.

A woman could have a bank account without a cosigner. The Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974 eliminated the need for women to require a male cosigner to have a credit account, not a bank account.

On one hand, I know it's just one of those things, like guys being into big boobs, but it hurts whenever anyone - guys or girls - point out my size. I can't even tell them to fuck off because THEY think it's some kind of praise to ask if I played football or something. I have a friend who I do boxing workouts with now…

That's one exception, and it's a noteworthy one since blacks also aren't exactly known for contributing much to entertainment.

I've made the occasional remark trashing my alma mater because MSU isn't known for being a prestigious university, but I do have a degree. I can even check "Beyond Bachelors" on some forms since I also got a paralegal certification from Roosevelt University in Chicago as well.

Pullman flew in a F/A-18 Hornet. Trump wouldn't be able to meet the height OR weight regulations.

Tiger brand coffee!
Is a real treat!
Even tigers prefer a cup of it!
To real meat!

"But that trick never works!"

And, as Fat Bastard has told us, everyone loves their own brand.

I think you mean to say "Kim has the money to hire someone with legitimate business sense." People love to say "Oh, they're successful businesswomen…look at how rich they are! Plus, they're creative because they design jewelry and handbags and apparel." Someone else designs all that shit and the bitch says, "I like…

100 bucks says that pizza was vomited into some nightclub toilet ten minutes after that picture was taken.

I can't think of superimposing myself in a bikini over anything without also thinking of me singing the theme song from "I Dream of Jeannie."

My Crazy Friend's girlfriend named her kid - no fucking kidding - "Matrix."

My favorite professor in college co-wrote an article on William Wyler for one of the film journals.

Don't you blaspheme in here! I said, DON'T YOU BLASPHEME IN HERE! Now, the two are you are gonna leave…without your "four fried chickens," without your "dry white toast," and without your Matt "Guitar" Murphy!

Fun fact: Hillary Clinton was born at the hospital across the street from where I live.

My brother's dog hides in the driver's side of his car where the brake and clutch pedals are.

My family always has a party, but they're postponing it to the Saturday after the Fourth, so I'm spending the holiday itself in the city. Hoping to get together with my boxing buddy and ride bikes along the lakefront to the fireworks.