Reminded myself to put a shirt on for my Skype call an hr from now for another part-time contract position. If my current one continues and I get this one, I'll be making good money.

6'3", 259 as of this morning. I was 268 two days ago, but that was after a lot of heavy drinking - it's been a week since I've had any booze so I hope the weight continues to come off.

Now I feel bad for laughing at the part where Carrey loudly announces that Robin's big dream is to be naked with a girl.

I hated kraut and mustard as a kid but like them both now. I didn't even really like bratwurst as a kid and I was born in WI.

When I was in college, I was appalled to find that "boobies" had become the go-to word for breasts. Though no term is more backwoods or hillbilly or awful then referring to a vagina as a "cooter."

Birthdays only matter till you're 21. After that, it's just another day.

My cousin used to tell his younger sister that her being overweight made the rest of the family look bad.

I turn 40 in a little over two weeks. I have no plans to do anything fun. I wish I could turn off my phone so even my mother can't call to say "happy birthday." I feel like I've probably wasted the good years of my life without ever having a girlfriend, owning a home, or having any real friends that lasted. I'm having…

Like with hot dogs, I almost always put ketchup on brats.

I'm wondering why Kenny G hasn't ended up doing a "hilarious" cameo in an Adam Sandler film where Sandler insults him and everyone is shocked when Kenny beats Sandler up and calls him his bitch.

At least it beat out Chewbacca Mom. I'm glad I haven't heard a word about her for at least six months.

I'm tired of this sitting around watching movies and getting nothing done. At least let's put some porno in so we can get in some physical activity.

And "I hope you die an airless death" just doesn't sound harsh enough.

I'm an asshole, I'm an asshole
I'm an asshole, can't you see?
But I'd rather be an asshole
Than a goddamned ZBT

$1.65 million? We are gonna get fucking RIPPED this weekend, and it ain't gonna be on Natty Light for once!

Back in high school I would say "I hope you die a fiery death!" to friends after reading an early Superman comic where Lois is tied up in a car that's driven off a pier and the narration is "Without air, Lois is doomed to a watery death!"

The Ghost frontman has been working as a male stripper in Heaven with Chris Farley for the past several years.

Hey, everyone, let's learn about how great it is to read books……by watching a TV show.

So THAT'S what she used to look like.

Give him a break. They didn't have Reading Rainbow when he was a kid.