You're right. Comedy is never funny if someone's feelings get hurt.

I always liked Sam Kinison's bit about how Richard Simmons always started crying so that people wouldn't see he was actually laughing at the people he interviewed.

That assumes that most overweight people out there just have an abundance of extra muscle, which is bullshit. You don't need some BMI calculator to tell you if you're fat or not. Look in the mirror.

Oliver Reed once said his ideal woman would be deaf and mute and her father would own a chain of liquor stores.

"Is this a kissing book?"

Lee Majors got women without having to put up with a bunch of feminist twaddle. Are guys saying they don't want to be like Lee Majors now?

Oh, shit, I just thought of something: Batman is this rich single guy who adopts a teenage boy and they both run around in tights. Huh-huh…maybe they're hot for each other!

I just use salmon for everything. I'm not crazy about tilapia or catfish and I've long since learned you can substitute a lot of stuff in recipes. Even cod costs at least double what a 2-lb bag of salmon from Aldi costs.

"I think you're going to have to do better than that, Doctor."

I definitely have. I've rode in most kinds of weather here.

I'll never forget the David Manning scandal. That broke on my first day at Sony and the same day, the trades reported that my boss had used her assistant and a guy from finance to pose as a couple and praise The Patriot. My first day consisted of fielding calls from the press while my boss hid in her office.

At about 8:30 this morning, I took an hourlong bike ride along the lakefront and told myself to count my lucky stars I work from home and also live close enough to the lakefront where I can do this a few times a day if I want. I was thinking that when the sun starts to go down, I'll go for another ride and take a book…

I also live in Chicago but think Chicago-style pizza uses too much dough. I don't dislike it, but don't eat it often…it's like eating a loaf of broad.

I like pineapple AND black olives on pizza. What I don't really like is pepperoni. Often it's too salty and greasy. Sausage can be the same way.

"'Hey, you! Get your damn hands off her!' You really think I oughta swear?"

How many people get where your screen name comes from?

Looks like Hardy had that suit made and then shrunk about four inches.

Somehow this involves a colon cleansing, doesn't it? Or drinking a shitload of acai berry juice?

Or who the 12 UGLIEST child stars of the 1980s are.

I remember in one episode, Batgirl saved the two of them just in time and said she would have gotten there sooner, but she didn't want to break the law by speeding. Robin snarled, "Your good driving habits almost got us killed."