There's a certain comfort to suicide. To knowing that no matter how bad things get, you can always check out. That does not include the feelings of anyone close to you, though.

With Norman Fell as Zeus!

"Special needs" is equally condescending and grammatically awkward.

I was at that show. I was with a guy in a wheelchair so we got to see the concert from a special set of risers.

You are not the President. Nobody who leads so many could possibly kneel so quickly.

I don't think he wore a hairpiece in the Back to the Future films, but he definitely lost his hair when young.

She was some little freshman girl who was probably more embarrassed than flattered. Who was I kidding?

I performed "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe" at the high school talent show my senior year to a pretty great audience. During the talking part of the song, I went into the audience, found a cute girl, and got on my knees while talking about spending all of my life to find her and the rest of my life to keep her.

I was pissed back in 1991 when my dad wouldn't let me go to a Primus/Fishbone concert alone. He told me that he heard Dave Brubeck was coming to town and we'd go see him. Thanks, Dad. They're pretty much the same thing.

I think my spelling bee career ended in fifth grade and I think I may have misspelled "galactic." That was probably my first misstep into adult life.

As much as I've bitched about how it sucks being a bald guy, Billy Zane really fucking owned in that movie, and that was before being bald was acceptable.

"Greeeeetings, boils and ghouls! Heeeeeeere's another tale from my nutsack!"

She was pretty freaked out by Return to Oz so I'm hoping horror in book form will be milder.

Wait a sec…you let gay guys get married now?

More like "Sir-shuh."

Sounds like a Muppet Babies episode.

Everyone knows the only women guys go for are super-thin blondes who look like blowup dolls. Except me, because I'm the Special Sensitive Guy who falls in love with Lisa Loeb types and would have been the perfect boyfriend for Claire Danes in that Soul Asylum video where she's somehow the ugly girl until she gets…

Tarantino.

I'm a time traveler from the year 1988. Is this "gluten" anything like alar or those cyclamates I've read about in old MAD magazines? And will eating oat bran cure it?

Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon!