He also told me that some porno stars have to wear diapers after they've done a lot of anal scenes, as their sphincters are too stretched out for them to be able to control themselves.

I had a friend in college who said there was a whole series of "Midget" porno videos, like "Midget Goes to Hawaii." Is this anything like that?

I liked the bit about how skank-on-skank violence on reality shows like Flavor of Love encouraged skanks in real life to fight amongst each other.

A friend of mine known for his dickish (and funny) sense of humor emailed me an editorial written by a retarded person about how his dream was to drive the short bus himself. It was probably early 2001 and I binged on the site while working a boring office job. Those Anchower and Teasdale columns helped me waste many…

I will be in about six hours when I try to enter the theatre in my own Wonder Woman costume.

At least yours was attractive. Mine was okay looking, but I think my brother found her more attractive than I did and was excited that his brother was actually getting picked up in a bar.

The other weekend I saw The Running Man at The Music Box. They ran the trailer for Rollerball before it.

"I thought you said she was a real little sparkplug!"

"Oh, no…the Mus? But they're a bunch of pigs!" - Booger, while picking his nose

I'll have you know my daughter's reading is restricted to classic children's literature. We're about to start the L. Frank Baum "Oz" series. She doesn't even know the internet exists.

That was the word they always used. Actually, it was usually "hot she-males." I didn't even think until now that that is kind of an offensive term and not one I'd use other than remembering those letters.

"It's a free society, except there ain't nothin' free, because there's no guarantees, you know? You're on your own. It's the law of the jungle."

"I'm crazy about you. I've never felt this way about anybody. Listen to me! I feel like a schoolboy again. A schoolboy who desperately wants to make sweet, sweet love to you."

That character was never really funny, but it was surprising how far they could stretch it. This was also the era that gave us "Pat."

Show me the money!

The last woman I slept with said How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days was her favorite movie. I sneaked out of her house at dawn and walked back to my mom's place.

I've heard from numerous sources that Carrey has had problems with depression since the 1980s and really is the cliched "crying on the inside" type.

Last night I made a really, really good meatloaf that was fit for Jehovah.

No, but Julian Glover did play a James Bond villain less than a decade earlier.

Was there a joke behind Griffin's photo, or was it just supposed to be funny that she was holding Trump's severed head? Because while I agree with Carrey that there shouldn't be comedy "rules," I also think that merely the image of Trump's severed head is not a joke itself.