Isn't that the recipe for the Master Cleanse, only with Black Velvet substituting for hot sauce or cayenne pepper? I think you're supposed to do it with self-administered enemas.

"You deplete me."

"Caguamas" was my Crazy Friend's nickname at the McDonald's he worked at. He would usually spend his break chugging a Magnum 40 out by the dumpster and somebody saw him once.

"Jeff Goldblum appears to be doing some sort of ta'i chi."

I'll bet he called us beavers on his radio!

All I remember about Russkies is the TV ads called it "The movie that made Whip Hubley a star!"

I remember seeing the series in syndication and wanting to dress like Wonder Woman. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone, so I had to settle for Luke Skywalker X-Wing Fighter Underoos and pictures of Supergirl in a tiny cheerleader skirt.

No, no, no. Do it. C'mon, it'll blow her away. C'mon, do it. Do it, huh?

Nah, you thought he was Samuel L., it turned out he was Will Smith. No big hassle.

The one girl I was truly in love with claimed Dream a Little Dream and Can't Buy Me Love as her favorite films for nostalgic reasons. That and Disney's Alice in Wonderland because it was "fucked up." She wasn't all that sophisticated, but I loved her anyway.

Was she a large girl? Big through the hips, roomy?

You wrote so much that I hate to ask for more, but I need further details on The stuff people will try to do in the 15 seconds of attention you get to prove themselves one of the worthy is astonishing.

"Oh, I love it when the phone rings! There's always that sense of mystery!"

Did you know she was married to Arnold Schwarzenegger? Did you see The Terminator?

Steve Martin's Comedy Routines You Can Do At Home: The next time you're at a fancy restaurant with a lot of people, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. Come back a few minutes later and loudly say, "Boy, I really smelled up the place in there!"

"You may emerge from my chips. Your opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone."

Little Jack Horner, sittin' on the corner
With no shoes or clothes
This ain't funny but he took his money
And sniffed it up his nose!
Ruff!
Cane! Sugar! Cane!
Athletes reject it
Governors correct it
Gangsters, thugs, and smugglers
Are thoroughly respected
The money gets divided
The women get excited
Now I'm broke and it's no joke
I…

The quote is from Man on the Moon and I believe he makes the remark to a prostitute he has named "Melonia."

So you'd be something like the 40th person on this planet who has done that?

I say they do a new version of their version of "Silent Night" (sung with a backdrop of a broadcaster reading all the news stories of the year).