I'm not even mad, I just feel the need to direct him away from this like when Putter throws a tantrum. Like I have to sit him/her down and say that while what they're saying seems cute and funny, it's really not and that sometimes when you feel like saying something stupid, you should just sit down and take a few deep…

Sandler and Farley were in that sketch, not Schneider.

More than once, I've quoted to my Crazy Friend a moment from an In Living Color Homey the Clown sketch. Homey takes Tommy Davidson's ice cream cone and upends it on his head and asks him how he feels: "Totally dissed, Homey."

Grover is pretty benign. I don't see how anyone could be scared of him. Putter loves him, of course, maybe even more than Kermit. She tends to like gentle creatures with obvious, comical flaws. A few weeks ago, she asked me why Big Bird was so stupid.

I wish Putter hadn't learned the same lesson. She doesn't care how many times she's watched Labyrinth or The Muppet Movie and I'm starting to worry that she know she only has to threaten to kick the wall and dent her Mary Janes or saddle shoes and Daddy will probably give her whatever she wants.

My imaginary daughter likes "The Monster at the End of This Book," but that might be a bit too much for Trump.

"You based a fucking squirrel on me?"

"Why, I'll be just like the Jolly Green Giant, only not green, and not jolly!"

That's about it's good for, that and the football team.

This morning, I told him to go the ER and say "I can't stop throwing up, and I can't stop drinking. I need help, today."

I once got my picture taken inside of one of the KITTs. I was in first grade. I also got Chuck Wagner's autograph…he was appearing in Automan at the time.

He spent something like six months in jail for hitting a cop. That makes him sound dangerous, but he's not at all…I've personally removed him from my former local grocery store (he got mad that they tried to charge him tax on bottled water despite having a food stamp card) and my former local food pantry. He's just…

I shaved off my depression beard this morning because I have a big interview next week.

U of M is a really good school. I went to State, which is for people too lazy or stupid to get into U of M.

What's Darkman doing back there?

How about the solo from "November Rain"?

"My Daddy Used to Spank My Bare Bottom. Now He's Gone. Would You Like To Take His Place?"

It's not that much different anywhere else. Self-righteous blowhards preaching to the choir.

"Ostentatious '50s convertible?" It's a '65 Thunderbird, which looks nothing like a '50s car.

See Locke if you haven't.