His notion is that Tony never backs down from anyone, and that's what makes him great. "Never backing down" has not worked well for my friend. He often sells water to make a living and two years ago at Lollapalooza, a cop asked him to move since he was blocking the sidewalk. My friend said, "You know, you're acting…

Would you have bought it?

I knew a friendly possum once. Her name was Miss Hutt. I lived briefly with a friend who did wildlife rehab and Miss Hutt had been overfed by a family and most of the fat went to her tail, hence the name (as in Jabba). She slept in a sleeping bag during the day and around 9 or 10 at night, she'd waddle around the…

He dropped out of high school at 15 to have his first kid. At the time, he told me he was selling cocaine to half the football team. He has had five kids total and owes over $100,000 in back child support. While he's Puerto Rican, he sometimes affects a black accent when saying things like "Hale no" and used to enjoy…

Oh, I come from a land, from a faraway place
Where the caravan camels roam
Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face
It's barbaric, but hey, it's home

Hey, it's the American way.

A few years ago, I spent awhile trying to convince my Crazy Friend's relatives that Tony Montana wasn't a heroic character, wasn't someone to model yourself after, that he was unhappy, married to a bitch who never once showed any affection to him, and spent his money on clownish things like his own tiger.

Eggs are pretty low calorie. I also use egg whites sometimes.

I still can't believe he won. I'm not weeping tears daily like some seem to be, but I remember when he announced his candidacy and I thought, No way. He's too unlikable. He's like a Richie Rich villain.

Auschwitz has a gift shop, though it was pretty much all books and videos. No GRANDMA AND GRANDPA VISITED AUSCHWITZ AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.

DuckTales was never as good when they brought in Gizmoduck and Bubba Duck.

Surrounded by a vast sea of urine.

I have a slow cooker cookbook that's all Asian recipes.

Some Polish food is good. And Polish chicks are usually pretty hot.

He's Greek. His full name is Evangelos Odysseas Papathanassiou.

I wonder how many of those people didn't like Trump so much as couldn't stand Hillary.

Get some tostadas, spread some refried beans on them, then some cheese, and top it with a fried egg. Huevos rancheros.

Why the hell is it I know who this guy is? I can't name any other Transportation Secretary.

I admit I once got Dunkin Donuts in Krakow, but only because I thought it was funny that I could get it there.

Glad to hear you liked it. I'm doing a Penang Red Curry from the same book. It'll be ready in an hour.