Maybe he's afraid Simmons will go native and end up laying with one of them dirty Comanches.

You know you're fat when you get pissed off that they individually wrap Starburst.

HEUTE EUROPA, MORGEN DIE WELT

The Errol Flynn way to get drunk at work: Inject oranges with vodka and eat them.

"Because of molecules, we are connected to the outside world from our bodies. Like when you smell things, because when you smell a smell, it's not really a smell, it's a part of the object that has come off of it, molecules. So when you smell something bad, it's like in a way you're eating it. This is why you should…

"Why do we do this to ourselves? Every time we get depressed, we eat and eat and eat. Don't you? You go to the store and buy those little candy bars in the bag, and before you know it the whole bag is empty. And then at the end, you feel just like that bag: empty inside."

Pepper pulled down the spread on the queen-size bed, then the sheets, and smoothed them out. She slipped off her shoes, her T-shirt, and her jeans. She was not wearing a bra, nor did she need one. She rolled off her panties, lay down on the bed, and put her hands behind her head as she spread her skinny legs. As she…

We're headed for Venus
And still we stand tall
'Cause maybe they've seen us
And'll welcome us all

I knew there'd be a damn good reason to get drunk and crank up Bitches Brew today.

I was in an industrial production of Marlowe's Edward the Second in college and for about three seconds considered painting my teeth with silver nail polish and someone told me teeth are porous and that they would be that color forever.

I'm terrified at what they would write for me. In the past, I have gotten compared, looks-wise, to Brian Urlacher, Will Sasso, and Steve Wilkos.

I admit I find it amusing when guys get really worried that women "only want men with big dicks."

Ugh, they're probably going to be mine, too. I turn 40 in less than two months.

Well, I'm not the kind to kiss and tell
But I've been seen with Farrah…

And they won't stretch out your sweaters when they borrow them UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE.

I just realized that, this morning, i finished off a bar of soap.

My mom pretty much only reads murder mysteries. Patterson, Dick Francis, that sort of stuff. I tried to get her to read Raymond Chandler once.

But…people might buy the short fat one…because it's "real soap"…like how fat women are "real women"?

-round of applause for the "achievement" of growing too fat to move

Like buying hair ribbons for imaginary little girls?