Pfizer/Johnson & Johnson/Colgate promises that only organic, sustainably farmed bonobo labia are used in this product.

My favorite line
the newscaster:
"There's bedlam all over, as…"

Today's crop of hate
seems to be a bit off. Tastes faintly of sophomorism, with a strong note of self-loathing, and a hint of yearning vagina lurking just under the surface.

Nope, no danger at all. Just poor judgment.

I only wish someone alive could control the use of Bob Dylan's image!

I feel Gravy Robber. Just not getting anywhere in particular. I just feel him. Feels kinda like gravy.

Warning: the Colgate Wisp
is a painful gum-abrader wrapped around a Tic-Tac. Sure, it freshens your breath for about 30 seconds, but if you're in a hurry for your first date you might want to slot some sink time beforehand, like the rest of the higher primates.

Daaaayy-y-y-y of the Animals!
When Animals have their day
People will get frightened
When animals have their say
Let's all get on that People Train
When Animals hold sway

Hopefully this will be as effective
as their "Don't Get Bushwhacked" appeal for Dukakis in 1988.

I thought we were done with vampires already
This must be the zombie entertainment channel.

Da chowdah! It is da secret to eva-ting!

I look forward to
not enhancing Michael Jackson's lifestyle when I purchase this collection.

I had the same problem with my 1878 edition of The Necronomicon. Bought the 1934 edition and turns out you still summon demons the same way. What a rip-off.

How come no books about umpires?
The recently turned umpire can be a real bastard, or so I hear.

That pasta salad looked like worse even than Olive Garden. It looked like the shit at my college dining hall. Or Golden Corral. These women are not being the best ambassadors for vegetarian cuisine, seeing as they haven't even transcended the level of the damn hippie shack in my local hipster neighborhood.

YES! I thought MIchael Cera too! Beck was a distant 2nd. She even has the Cera voice.

Actually, true love always GIVES a tip. In addition to the regular charge, plus 15% gratuity for parties of 7 or more.

Is this "Alice" also the "real life Alice" who wrote "Go Ask Alice?"

I'm so high, The Room is reading ME

When is Lawrence gonna team up with Tyler Perry and Eddie Murphy?
"Big Momma, Medea, the Klumps, Norbit, and his Annoying Fat Girlfriend"