DAMN, Nathan Rabin. This was excellent. You, sir, have nuts of steel.

Karatloz, the Calendar Man reference just made me giggle for about five minutes straight.

GOOBLE GOBBLE GOOBLE GOBBLE

took the words right outta my mouth.

"did you go to the alternative school or something?"

THERE IS NO JONES SODA AT MY LOCAL JEWEL.

Oooh. That Crystal Geyser stuff was the accompaniment to many a family road trip for me as a wee little Riff. It burned so good.

Oooh. Vanilla Coke. I can't believe I'd forgotten about that stuff. It was fantastic. Jorobot, wanna start a petition? Or, like, a pledge drive or something?

I know it's still around, but seriously
I can't find Jones Soda in my neighborhood for the life of me. sometimes I get a yen for the Green Apple flavor and … oh … oh man … it gets ugly.

That's cuz Pepsi is gross, Flaneuse.

Diet Coke doesn't taste conventionally good in the first place, y'all. It's got all kinds of weird chemical tastes going on. It's an Acquired Taste. Seriously, Lemon Pledge fits perfectly into that palette of unnatural abberrant goodness.

They're still around and they're delicious. And filling. Protein!

But that would taste so … natural! Not medicinal or bottled at all! Screw that. I'm on the road to scurvy and I like it.

Diet Coke with Lemon
I'm pretty sure I'm the only person on the planet who liked the stuff, but boy do I miss it. And my creepy letters to Atlanta Coke HQ have all been returned unopened!

I'm working, but I'm getting overtime. Time and a half, bitches! Thanks, America, or more specifically Title 5 of the United States Code!

I BEEN DRINKING GREEN TEA ALL GODDAMN DAY!

Ooh, good call, Adorable Girl from Matilda. The whole New Yorker school of short stories - Salinger, Cheever, etc - are very American. A super-rich angsty preppy New York sort of American, though. you know, our version of aristocracy.

LOUD NOISES

THOMAS KINCADE, ALSO

Creepy plasticized homogenized mass-produced sexuality! AMERICA!