OOOOOH we're doing the thing where we humorously mashup sequel titles! I LOVE THIS ONE!!!!

And you're beautiful, but everyone else has pig faces and thinks you're a monster.

A. Hussein Frank wasn't even a Christian, I heard.

VOICEOVER: The classic story of Anne Frank. In the face of death… life. Starring…. [record skipping screach] Rob Schneider?!?
[cue "I Feel Good." ROB SCHNEIDER AS ANNE FRANK is dancing around to it, somehow]
OTTO FRANK, wringing hands: Anne, Anne, you must be quiet!
ROB SCHNEIDER AS ANNE FRANK: I'm going to kiss a boy!

In this economy, you need a sandwich you can trust.

Aw, don't you worry your pretty little head about things like that.

I don't get it.

I'm doing well this week. The only thing on the tolerability index I'm familiar with is Mad Men. (I know a GI Joe movie exists, but that's all I know.) Wooo! Suck it, Amelie! Your job is being aware of ridiculous bullshit!

Barack Obama is half-black and half-white. Was it him?

The answer to "Could you tell me something about John Lennon" is "Yes."

::claps::

Real Women Are Fatasses, And Some of Them Let Men Fight Over Them Because They Want To But Not Because They Can't Choose For Themselves

Wait, there was ice sinking in water in this movie? What the fuck? I mean, stuff like spaceships behaving like airplanes is dumb but more forgivable, because the audience has no direct experience with space. But has no one involved in the production of this movie ever had a drink with ice in it? Do they think the…

Whattaya mean Odysseus isn't a trickster? Half his schtick is guile and subterfuge. (The other half is asskicking and arrogance.) And yeah, Diagnosed pretty much covered it, but Sisyphus was the trickiest dude around. What he was known for, even before he OUTSMARTED DEATH, and before the whole rock-pushing, symbol of…

Gentle Herpes is 3000 years old, and grew up on the subversive antics of tricksters like Odysseus and Sisyphus.

Ok, we GET it, Gentle Herpes: you don't think funny things are funny. Fine.

The best example of that has to be Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Basically, they're zerg rushing us.

I'm not going to worry about money. Because, when I'm 40, retired, sailing around the world on my yacht, and looking back, it's not going to be about how much money I made. It's going to be about how much stuff I have, and the quality of that stuff.

Should have had Bill Cosby do it.