Define me! Oh, define me! LOVE me, I need love!

American Horror Story. I've heard good things, but it doesn't matter; it could be the best show on TV and I'd still refuse to watch it because of my incandescently OTT hatred for Ryan Murphy. Three years of Glee taught me my lesson with him.

How is this not a painful Scary Movie-esque satire?? I mean, it has Kevin James, for god's sake. When I first saw the trailer I was absolutely expecting some sort of kicked-in-the-nuts joke to cut through all the cutesyness, but then it was like "from producer Roma Downey" and I just went OH SHIT. Frankly, it seems…

Milo Ventimiglia’s Ogre is just Gilmore Girls’ Jess all grown up

Has Billy Zane always had that gravelly bedroom voice?? Good Lord, I've been Team Jack Dawson for, like, 2/3 of my life, but I'm totally rethinking that now.

How do you do, fellow kids?

Do Afshin and Elaheh fall in love? Do you even have to ask that question?
Yeah, I do! In the early scenes he was looking at Tom Cullen all, like, heart-eyes emoji, and I 100% thought we were going there. And I was rather disappointed when they didn't.

Dating Tatiana Maslany and making me eye-gougingly jealous! (Also, Downton Abbey.)

Usually, yes. But "Wailing Goggle Man" had me howling, so they clearly brought something new to the concept.

Miller's little wincey face at "I've used the last of the bread" made it an "A" episode for me all by itself. Olivia is the best.

I watched that bit with Mike yoinking the gun and then hitting the guy in the throat like three times. No shame.

I so thought of that. And then I thought "I hope someone does one of those side-by-side gifsets on Tumblr" because I spend way too much time on there and that's how I think now.

I actually like this show, and yet I have a weird desire for it to end horribly darkly. Like, I want it to suddenly become a "Don' You Go Rounin' Roun to Re Ro" type of thing with all my favo(u)rite non-posh Brit actors (Eddie Marsan, Daniel Mays, Sean Harris, Ray Winstone, Danny Dyer, Sean Bean, etc, etc, etc)…

It's a shame this is such a hot mess, because the book is great. Ron Rash is awesome and creates these really chilling Southern/Appalachian Gothic [if that is in fact a thing] worlds with wonderfully dark characters…and yet somehow, everyone involved in this movie seems to have totally missed the point and in…

Or at least, like, actors. I like Rihanna's music and all, but it irks me that she got the role over way-more-qualified actors/voice actors (in a field that is not exactly known for being generous to women of color) purely because she's a really famous name.

Disturbingly, my first thought was of Ross Geller trying to explain away smoking pot, stealing Playboys and getting re-married/re-divorced to Rachel to his parents. "I…I got tricked into all those things!"

Yes, I fear I was. It only occurred to me, like, yesterday that he is by no means guaranteed to survive this series — obviously Jimmy and Mike have to make it to the Breaking Bad era, but Chuck…? Not so sure. :(

Well, thank you very much for not just saying 'fuck it' and dragging those kids along to it — some asshole brought his inappropriately young sons to see It Follows last weekend and of course sat right next to me. The dad was on his phone half the time, but made sure to tell the boys to cover their eyes at the…

I…think she's 19, actually? She makes a reference to "back in high school," and anyway the sex scene is very tame and non-explicit.

Pronounced Italian-stylez. "Chee-nayma."