He's entering that distinguished Clooney-esque era of his career.

It reminded me of the season one classic:

So which of you is actually Corey Calderwood? There's no way that guy doesn't comment on The A.V. Club.

Oh shit. Look at that door, dude. You see that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? Do you think a pirate lives in there?

I'm glad you brought that up, because Mr. Reynolds, science is a liar sometimes.

First they wanted to kill Christmas. Now these godless heathens want to kill grammar, too. Where will it end?!

Oh god, why did you do that?! Now I'm wondering what you were trying to imply to me when you ended your text with an ellipsis!

You know what, man, I was thinking and I'm actually pretty busy for the next few days, but I'll definitely hit you up when I'm free.

So I assume it's my usage of punctuation in texts — and only my usage of punctuation in texts — that leads to people not responding to me.

I don't know if anything this season has made me cringe as hard as the simple editing choice in the "Gas Station Rebate" episode of putting the rebate amount on screen during those people's craziest moments. Like, they'll be screaming wildly and then it'll just say, "Rebate: $13."

Has the can been sitting out at room temperature for awhile but still seems to be sweating profusely? If so, that half-full can of Four Loko probably is me.

That's cool, but it better not interfere with me having a German Taxi Driver poster or any other shit I might buy impulsively delivered to me in two days.

Sometimes I get close. Sometimes I get real close.

I usually start with a weak handshake up front to establish I'm not a threat.

You know what this news make me feel like? A mothereffin' beer.

I don't know if the XFL was a proud league, but it was a league.

We're just making sure Xanderpuss doesn't get too big for his britches.

Fucking cold-blooded.

"I prefer to just relax my sphincter" = greatest personal description on a dating site.

And what's your excuse for the days where you had a full night's sleep the night before, Xanderpuss?!