High Maintenance. Period. It's the best thing I've seen in 2016.

This is the character he's playing in The Dark Tower? I'm actually really excited about that. Him and McConaughey, and based on your description, it seems like he's the good guy chasing down the bad guy? You're right. What's not to like? I've never read the series, but I have major love for Stephen King. I live…

No, but it's big and intimidating and intriguing and I hope to see it on my deathbed.

He's only our sexiest living movie star. Let's definitely waste his time with stupid bullshit like this instead of giving him good roles.

You'd have a raging proud-on, if you will.

It definitely is a solo, you're right.

The A.V. Club already tried to conduct an interview for an Expert Witness on this after they found someone who had spent 10,000 intensely studying the subject, but communication proved difficult as the person had evolved into a sentient puddle of fluids. Basically, Idris' dick is the Monolith from 2001.

Well yeah, that sounds much better, but I was making due with what I had in the fridge.

I'm only an audience member, as well, but for instance, if someone is telling jokes about jerking off, I want to look at them and go, "Yeah, that person has jerked off before." There were people I saw this past week who I feel had never masturbated in their lives.

Yeah, I'm a real health freak.

Soak up the alcohol in their stomach with a chicken salad and bacon sandwich?

And also some kid who wanted to play the James Woods role in a reboot of Once Upon A Time In America.

Hey, if you're out there trying out stand-up at open mics, that's fucking great. Seriously, keep at it. But don't tell stories. Work on your one-liners. Your stories are excruciating to sit through. Just try a quick joke. If it doesn't work, move on. It's okay. It's an open mic. One-liners that don't work are easier…

They should hold a music festival there so that I could take LSD there. I want to go to there.

Did you like Knight Of Cups? I watched a pirated version after watching all of Malick's previous stuff, and I thought it kind of sucked. I thought it was mostly just Christian Bale walking around art galleries held in L.A. mansions. I think it's definitely the worst thing Malick has ever released.

I tried to spell out ALIEN JESUS, but all I managed was ALI. And I'm not even a boxing fan.

No doubt. I just realized lately that dental expenses are fucking ridiculous and also at the same time that I did not a great job of upholding the integrity of my teeth. It fucking blows.

Don't. I apologize for being such a wino that I'd drink fucking Franzia.

What if I hand a pack of Starbursts, but I had already unwrapped them? Would you turn them away, sir?! WOULD YOU DENY THEM, SIR?!

And it's like, come on, that version of "Cortez, The Killer" with Warren Haynes in Central Park wasn't good? Give me a fucking break.