I never said my wishes were realistic. Otherwise she would have been beaten to death with one of Nicole Richie's legs long, long ago.

Here's hoping one of her designer rats takes a shit on the street and she gets 5-10 in a sand and lice filled cell.

And now Tawny will present her paper on the discovery of the origin of the broken symmetry which predicts the existence of at least three families of quarks in nature while fellating a banana!

If I was on a reality show where shameless skanks were made to denigrate themselves and each other just so I can decide which one gets their 15 seconds of fame, I would INTENTIONALLY forget their names!

"more constructive than what I might learn from somebody like Stephen Hawking"

I'm sure Dane Cook could tell me a lot about being successful. Especially how to do it without being encumbered with things like "talent" and "humor".

I wrote a script that searches Twitter constantly for tweets about Dane Cook. You'd be surprised how many hits you get with "Dane Cook" and "auto-erotic asphyxiation" but sadly, never exactly what I want to hear.

Yes, communism has failed and capitalism has triumphed. That's why I prefer "untermensch"

The Misfits "Where Eagles Dare" doesn't have anything to do with the movie, but it does have one of the funniest choruses of any punk song.

I'm packing heat ironically every day!

And the heart-pounding excitement of being chased out of a trainyard by Ernest Borgnine swinging a chain!

I was recently funemployed!
And it was all good until I had to start selling blood to make the rent. Although the dizziness and irrational thoughts from donating 5 times a week was like a mini vacation in my head!

I'm afraid they have, Skirkster……..I'm afraid they have.

I like to commemorate the Civil War….
with a cosmo and meaningless sex with a middle-aged harpy.

Cheetahs as porn?
I've never wanked to a cheetah, but if it put on that one slinky number I like, I may be willing to expand my horizons.

No one can defeat…..
Billy Mitchell's hair!

@Rabin

More than just a dash
"the Seussian comic fracture where you're slaloming down the slopes of anarchic comedy."

I've lost some girlfriends that way too.

God damn double post. I blame the shitty trailer.