Excuse me if I misunderstand the particular method you have adopted to bring a semblance of order to your lunacy, but must you not now flip a coin to determine whether or not you in fact love the 'Winged Potato'?

'The Thing' is a fine example of a filmed narrative where the characters are uniformly competent, to the point where the fiend that they confront is given pause. It does not lessen the intensity of the dreadful conundrum that they are forced to face. For a fact, there can be a great deal of horror mined from a…

It is a visually arresting spectacle in parts, it must be granted. An excellent method of evaluating the effectiveness of a filmed production intended to induce horror, at least in regards to my own experience, is to observe how many awful visions assail my dreaming mind in the days (and yes, sadly weeks) after the…

But of course, the true monsters in that production were mistrust and jealousy. And inadequate safety precautions undertaken for paired subterranean exploration.

Oh dear… I hope that you do not, for a fact, find moralizing grating. It is all that I know!

I was genuinely surprised at how amusing 'the Host' revealed itself to be, even as tragedy and turmoil beset the heroes. The 'grieving' scene for the young girl was particularly humorous, and yet it marks the (possible) death of an engaging character! As for the environmental element, I believe that the film was…

I found it an awful viewing experience, which is generally the case where I am concerned when a production so rapturously embraces brutality and hopelessness. Call my sensibilities outdated if you must.

(Glances at picture, flinches, faints dead away)

I… I gave it away to Mrs. L. A.! Oh, what a fool I have been!

Why, you are far too kind! Here, do take some of my laudanum, I will never finish it all. Which is to say that I would, (indeed!) finish it all, but not if I render a part of it to you at this moment. You will be doing me a great favour, in fact, if you remove it from my person.

You poor dear thing.

From my perspective, your shame levels are at a dangerously low ebb to indulge so freely even the discussion of such subjects, much less engage in them! Why, does the gentleman even consider counselling a lifetime of virtuous joylessness? Image the satisfaction of decades of self-control, the only outlet being…

…
(Faints dead away)

Although this adventure you describe is so depraved as to render my composure tenuous at best, common decency and neighbourly regard requires that I offer you some advice that has served many a loyal Victorian servant of the Empire well. And so, when next such lurid temptations present themselves in the person of a…

One can only assume that you were wandering around Paris, which is perfectly understandable, as the city practically demands to be wandered through. However, (and here with considerable regret I must reprove your conduct,) surely you were warned by the lurid smell Mucuna Pruriens hanging heavily in the air? Although…

Good lord! Sir, your writing is positively replete with the most odious and indelicate terms imaginable! Will you not make more properly vague substitutions, such as 'convivial society', 'country matters', or, if you must, 'amorous notice'? With a little application, you can make your subject matter completely…

My worst 'break-up' involved a blunderbuss, hallucinations brought on by a tincture of deadly nightshade, the baying of hounds and a great house brought to ruin by pride and greed. But I do not suppose it qualifies exactly as the gentleman in question remains immured within the walls of the ruined abbey in the…

Being 'white' is empirically 'bad' in areas with abundant sunlight, as overmuch solar radiation can lead to complaints of the skin. It is also less than ideal should you be attempting to move with stealth at dusk, or indoors in environs whose luminous conditions are similar to dusk. From a strictly empirical…

Good lord, all this time I assumed we were discussing albinos!

Perfect equality requires a sublime, sustained and highly concentrated avoidance of any qualification of the traits of those you meet. It is an exhausting but deeply compassionate mental exercise achievable only through a tremendous personal commitment and invariably comes at the expense of the individual's own…