I would be happy to lend you some laudanum, should you desire it. The hours simply fly by!

As stirring a defence of mediocrity as any I have ever read! Pray do not stop there, good sir. There are other oft-maligned examples of minimal human effort that require your immediate assistance. Spare a moment of your time, if you would, to formulate similar rebuttals to the criticisms levelled against the…

Yes, by the heavens! By all means, let us see the swift return of the fifth-best thespian to portray the heroic extra-terrestrial God substitute.

Ah… are you acquainted with a large number of generically handsome Englishmen? I enquire on behalf of a friend.

"None of these films have a sullen, inattentive, eventually murderous protagonist who allows family members to die as a result poorly articulated desire for secrecy."

This is the perfect opportunity to re-cast the role of 'Super-Man' as a Muslim woman! Why be burdened with the expectations of a generation whose views are now dismissed as hopelessly backwards? Strike a blow for progressive inclusiveness, production executives!

“Through all this ordeal his root horror had been isolation, and there are no words to express the abyss between isolation and having one ally. It may be conceded to the mathematicians that four is twice two. But two is not twice one; two is two thousand times one."
-G. K. Chesterton

Perhaps you would be a dear and articulate to us what subjects are relevant to us in these arenas, so that we may have the spelling correct on the signs that we batter you about the head with.

Do you profess that the sun never sets on the Great Yuan Dynasty? Is Mongolia located at a pole angled towards the sun?

But surely the different social expectations on men would make that question redundant? Men can 'have it all' as a result of a subservient gender who performs the lion's share of the child-care duties. But no, I am merely a voice echoing out archaic customs from a less enlightened age. I am sure in your time no…

And in addition to these pursuits, some of us have found time to rule the largest empire in human history.

Ah… learned fellows and gentlefolk? I seem to perceive only a deep and echoing silence in response to my avowal above. Now is the time to raise our voices in a ringing call to the heavens!

Ah-ha! Even I, hobbled though I am by the colloquialisms of my era, apprehend your meaning at once! The humour stems from the fact that the man in question is an atrocious, dull-witted hypocrite with no redeeming qualities whatsoever! At last, I am included fully in the conversation! I might soon begin commenting…

You do very well and we all value and admire you immensely. I am certain that many will now add their voices to mine in appreciation for your long service to this fine fellowship.
…
…

(Giggles, blushes, faints dead away)

This is my custom as well! Of course, I have the excuse of temperamental steam-powered equipment as my sole method of communication to your era, whereas you are hobbled by a menacing cowl which must render striking the 'keys' of your computational apparatus a tiresome chore.

'Defence contractor'? What in the world is a 'defence contractor'? What a curious phrase. Does it refer to someone who offers 'defence' to clients, or someone who accepts contracts only from those who defend? Perhaps it is a replacement for a barrister or solicitor, if 'defence' refers to the legal milieu? …

At this stage I have come to suspect the sugars in my blood are more to blame for my morphedean interludes than shock born out of a prudish milieu and upbringing. Honestly, the vulgarity on regular display hereabouts has left me inured even to the oaths of Scottish sailors.

(Remains upright, teetering slightly)

There should now be created an account employing the title, 'Avuncular Paternalistic Uncle'. At the end of each communication he could add a postscript: 'wearily shakes head'.