Hello, sheeple?  The solution is obvious:  my new invention, the Wristphone.  It's a wrist strap for your phone.  Problem solved.  I'm also working on a phone-shaped case for keeping a watch in your pocket.

I've never understood the knit cap thing in warm weather.  We have kids here who still do that.  Crazy kids!

I wear baseball caps all the time, just to keep the sun out of my eyes and off my head.  I also have a brimmed, floppy…(wait for it)…jungle hat, maybe?…which I bought for some occasion I can't remember where I was outside all day in the hot sun.  Otherwise I rarely wear it.

Ryan Adams keeps it super old school - he only bathes and combs every other Saturday.

Fezoi?

A fez?  What are you, a bass player in an indie rock band?

@avclub-b54d138b13c97bbd565796787ff23531:disqus :  I listen to rap for the guitar solos.

Yeah, well, everyone had a good laugh in the end…

Professor Murder.

Some people use ballpoints.  I get you. I know the lingo of the streets.

Sinkhole at Disneyworld = hilarious.
Sinkhole at some generic property "10 minutes from Disneyworld" = who cares?

SNL would drag that out for 7 minutes.

A thoroughly polite dust up.

To be fair, the theme of that wedding was "N*ggers are still slaves", so there was no getting around saying it.

Plus…trailers have basements?

"Hmmm.  I wonder if this paragraph about Smurfs 7 was properly fact checked.  I'd better investigate."
      —No person ever

Wait…there was a noise in the basement and we just found a handful of our friends brutally murdered.  I'd better go check it out alone with no weapon or protection of any kind.

Finally my master plan can be put into action!  My…master…hey mom, have you seen my master plan?  It was scribbled on the back of a Doritos bag!

OBAMA'S A MUSLIM!!

Talking babies for tampon commercials.