The computer is your friend. Not reciprocating the computer's friendship is grounds for termination.

Wait, you do mean Los Angeles and not Louisiana, right? Because I can't comment on Louisiana. I've never been there.

Amy Winehouse didn't build LA. LA built Amy Winehouse.

Too late, man, too late. Would've been way funnier in 2011.

I know cat people who call their cats their children, insist the cats understand them, AND claim the cats can speak English because "meow" can sometimes sound a bit like "mom." So, yeah, cat people and dog people are equally weird. Birds make the best pets, anyway, since they can actually hold a conversation.…

I'm pretty sure England already has a mythology. You know, with the fairies and the Robin Hoods and the aforementioned King Arthurs. Also, I think Benjamin Disraeli was a mythological figure, too. I mean, who ever heard of a Jew from England?

Why is it always Europe? Why can't we have a fantasy version of Siberia, Sub-Saharan Africa, or Los Angeles? To get stuck in traffic on the windy, concrete plains of Rohan would oh so heroic.

And how many biker shoot-outs you pass on the way.

Yeah, but walking from California to Texas means walking over a shit-ton of mountains, too. Sam and Frodo would've probably had to eat Gollum, Donner-party style. Also, they'd have to cross the Sonoran/ Mojave. Good thing Hobbits aren't shown to require a significant amount of food and liquid, right?

Birds: the Switzerland of nature.

Because they're tiny pickles. Nobody wants a teeny, flaccid pickle. It's creepy.

And no more ties! They're stupid and serve no functional purpose in a world with buttons. Collar balls are the way of the future.

Limelight gets a B? Really?

Two women making a baby together is unnatural! Literally: where did his Y chromosome come from?

People don't want reality. Reality sucks. Reality is a dead-end job, student loan debt, and a slow decline into the grave. Much better to pretend we're all super heroes. Bruce Wayne doesn't have to worry about paying his rent. Superman doesn't lay awake at night worrying over whether he'll die alone. Spiderman doesn't…

That sounds really cool, actually. Has there been a good film about his rise during Lenin's rule? Lenin always strikes me as a twentieth-first century Cromwell. He seems to have legitimately wanted to bring democracy to his country, but his countrymen didn't want it. (I'm romanticizing, of course.) Stalin, though, was…

It mattered very much where Russia's industry was. One of the reasons the Soviets were able to turn the tide was because they could pump out lots of tanks and guns. If Hitler had steamrolled those factories during Barbarossa, they'd have been reduced to throwing turnips at the Nazis. I don't think there was any way…

I think Stalin deserves more credit as a leader. He was a terrible tactician—that goes without saying—but he did turn the Soviet Union around economically and militarily. He did so by being an absolutely brutal asshole who readily murdered his own (former) friends and allies in cold blood, but it's Russia: how else do…

The Iranians were forced into a similar situation when Saddam Hussein invaded. They had superior numbers, but the Iraqis were much better armed. The solution? Mad, desperate suicide attacks. Also, when the humans were forced to use suicide bombers against the Cylons. So many innocent robots temporarily inconvenienced……

Read up on Swiss history. They killed the duke of fucking Burgundy. He had an army that the French couldn't defeat. But the Swiss sent him back to the Netherlands. Well, they sent back his head, anyway. The Swiss aren't neutral because they're weak. They're neutral because only an idiot would try to invade them.