Alright, look, I'm not trying to make this about me, alright? But I think this is going to be a great opportunity for people to get a chance to hear me talk about myself in case you miss the three hours of podcasts a week, tv show centered around me, the book, or the many other interviews I've done in the past two…

Alright, look man, I'm not trying to make this all about me, but like y'know back then I had a poet's mind, and I was trying to shape it into a standup's world, and it just wasn't fuckin happening man, y'know? I was doing lots of blow, did I tell you how much blow I used to do? I'd get fucking ripped with Kinison,…

Don't be surprised. Look, I'm not trying to make it all about me, but when people see someone succeed on their own volition, without the help of corporate sponsorship, I think that, with most things, there's an underlying jealousy that fuels these fucking vampires.

Cunt.

Hey, alright, look, I'm not saying I need to go out and engage every asshole out there with a twitter account, but if you're going to tell me your favorite comedian is Dimitri Martin, you're going to get what's coming to ya.

Fuck yeah, man. Look, I'm not trying to make this about me, but I had a thing with Lorne years ago, I didn't get an audition, I thought I should have gotten it, but y'know fuck it man, I'm not fuckin bitter over it or anything.

Fuck yeah, man. Look, I'm not trying to make this about me, but I had a thing with Lorne years ago, I didn't get an audition, I thought I should have gotten it, but y'know fuck it man, I'm not fuckin bitter over it or anything.

Isn't it a pain in the ass to be as famous as we are?

Isn't it a pain in the ass to be as famous as we are?

Alright! I was just wondering when the AV Club was going to waffle on their previous stance. The podcast is a bourgeoning artform and if you assholes aren't going to take it seriously, why fuckin bother?

Alright! I was just wondering when the AV Club was going to waffle on their previous stance. The podcast is a bourgeoning artform and if you assholes aren't going to take it seriously, why fuckin bother?

And I'm the asshole who gets the "I skipped the first ten minutes of this post" comments, huh?

And I'm the asshole who gets the "I skipped the first ten minutes of this post" comments, huh?

That's a pretty fuckin' astute observation. Cue the internet shitheads telling me how they skipped the first ten minutes of this post, because that never gets fucking old either.

That's a pretty fuckin' astute observation. Cue the internet shitheads telling me how they skipped the first ten minutes of this post, because that never gets fucking old either.

Okay, excuse me, I didn't realize there was a difference between hot chicken and barbecued chicken, that shit isn't exactly a thing in LA. Thanks for the constructive criticism as always, AV Club, nothing I love more than showing up to support the medium and getting nothing but fuckin snark from bearded fatasses in…

Okay, excuse me, I didn't realize there was a difference between hot chicken and barbecued chicken, that shit isn't exactly a thing in LA. Thanks for the constructive criticism as always, AV Club, nothing I love more than showing up to support the medium and getting nothing but fuckin snark from bearded fatasses in…

Hey I don't want to make this about me, but I wrote a lot of poetry in college, back when I was still trying to…find myself, so to speak. Because that's what we're all doing out here, right?

Hey I don't want to make this about me, but I wrote a lot of poetry in college, back when I was still trying to…find myself, so to speak. Because that's what we're all doing out here, right?

Hey, thanks for doing your research, Sherlock. In the time you spent cyberstalking me, you could've ordered three buttplugs from adamandeve.com and gotten the fourth free.