Honestly, I don't think that Comey's re-opening of the investigation made a lot of difference to the outcome. People who thought the e-mail issue was nonsense — which included anyone who doesn't read right-wing sources — weren't going to be convinced by that.

Orson Scott Card is not a serious anything. Use "George Will" instead.

Maybe if America didn't want to see articles about politics on satirical pop-culture websites, they shouldn't have elected an empty-headed celebrity as President. Just sayin'.

The press should lay off of Barron Trump. There is indeed a tradition of leaving Presidential kids alone.

Frankly, I'd like to know what he told the Russians and the Chinese that he didn't release to the rest of the world. I'm guessing that they didn't keep him just for publicity reasons.

You a stoodint? Get outtah heah, yah fahckin nehd!

"…facing the reality that while half the country thinks he’s our greatest patriot, the other half thinks he’s a traitor.”

If PETA prevents another St. Bernard "Beethoven" movie, I'll leave them half my estate.

I'm gonna boycott it because I don't get along with dogs and am sort of scared of most of them. And they smell funny and drool everywhere and have no respect for personal boundaries. And make life difficult for hard-working drug traffickers. And I used to say that they were louder than cats, but then I adopted a…

I'm glans that someone is finally putting these things to the testes.

I don't think I've ever tried a red vine. Twizzlers black licorice is noxious, even compared to other black licorices. But red Twizzlers cause some weird combination of repulsion and attraction in me, which is more or less how I felt about female genitals when I was in early puberty. Not that I've ever become romantic…

Well, it could be worse (TRIGGER WARNING: DO NOT READ IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOOD AND BEAUTIFUL THINGS AND WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE TO DO SO.)

Twizzlers taste like sugared plastic. I sometimes wonder how human digestive systems can handle them. But I can't stop myself from eating the entire bag.

The Menace Was Very Much Like a Phantom

Eh, why not rewrite them all in the passive voice?

So these guys suck. Not that I've ever heard them, mind you. But the question is: do they suck significantly worse than all the other jam bands out there with awful names (Deep Banana Blackout, String Cheese Incident, dozens of variations that include plays on the word "funk")?

OK, speaking seriously here for a minute, those are all good shows. And I've seen some documentaries I'd consider interesting coming from some for-profit networks (I think "Intervention" and "MTV True Life" are worthy, if kinda formulaic and sensational, but your opinion may differ.)

Eh, soldiers don't usually choose the wars they fight in.

Look, do you really want to lose a conversational match point when someone complains that there's nothing but trash on TV? I sure don't!

They also gave Tucker Carlson a show for a little while, for some reason.