Prostitutes do, however, understand my needs.

Cry me a river of molten gold with diamond icebergs floating in it, Donald.

Ten billion dollars buys a lot of RealDolls.

Quite frankly, the advantage to hookers is that you know what you're getting, how much it will cost, and that she'll go away afterwards. There may in fact be a class of Russian women on the lookout for Americans with boners and a willingness to get married, but that interpersonal stuff can get messy and undefined.…

Tell me where the A.V. Club claimed to be in touch with the opinion of "real Americans," a phrase so simultaneously loaded and empty as to be completely useless. This site's always been a haven for overeducated middle-to-upper middle underachievers, and it's never really hid the fact. But having a millionaire rock…

Eh, I don't find what he had them do to be particularly disgusting.

They're one of the best bands that I don't listen to very much.

Hair gel and single-use packets of Burma Shave available at the concession stands.

Are these guys "college rock?"

Obama isn't a US state! He's barely a protectorate.

Wait, did you just call Donald Trump "humane?"

I'd love a direct feed right from any President's brainstem…

I drove by the Wonder Bread bakery near Portland, Oregon and it smelled incredibly delicious. So there's that.

How about you, you know, like, fuck off?

I get it. Liberal angst can be exhausting. And I already live outside the States, so I mostly just laugh off that "I'm gonna move" stuff. Sure you are, kid. But that doesn't mean that Trump's election isn't bad news for a whole lot of people.

I'd pay money to see somebody make a cat do anything on command. Mine won't even stop mewing pitifully at two in the morning, even when I stroke it and hold it and scratch it and tell it I love it and beg it to stop.

I suppose we'll agree to disagree, mostly. He wants to go down as the greatest president of all time, but that has more to do with his me-first personality than anything else. He believes fervently in American greatness, whether or not those sentiments match the facts on the ground, and I think a lot of people…

As somebody else mentioned here, Trump, for all his bluster, does not have the cojones for an impeachment battle. You've got to remember: we're dealing with man-child. He likes attention, but doesn't deal well with criticism, and, at the end of the day, wants to be admired and loved. Once that stops happening, he…

Not likely, but not as impossible as it used to be. Quite frankly, I can't wait 'til he gets sworn in so that we learn what he'll actually do, instead of putting forth a bazillion scenarios that are all, considering Trump's lack of an actual political record, more or less equally believable.

It's not a white-and-male thing. I remember a while back I saw P. Diddy or Puff Daddy or Sean Combs or whoever partying hard while wearing an "I AM THE AMERICAN DREAM" t-shirt. It depressed me.